Just as I thought

Well, the results were just as I thought they would be. They went from 11.2 to 11.9. So basically nothing. The little Speck tried to stick, but just couldn't keep going. I have to go back on Monday for another blood draw to make sure the levels come down. To look on the bright side I don't have to do anymore shots and I get to take the sticky patches off...

While we are very disappointed we aren't giving up, we are just waiting. As much as this hurts, I am relieved to have an answer. Not the answer I was hoping for, but an answer none the less. I am also excited, excited to not have to be cautious when lifting the kids. Excited to get to drink Coke again! Excited about my new focus of getting my routine and schedule and house back in order. I know I will continue to have my sad days. I know that with every birth of each friend's baby I will have that longing and feel the tug in my heart. I also know that God will take care of me. For whatever reason, it is not our time, and as hard it is to think about...it may never happen. But, I do know that God will bless us richly as long as we continue to call on Him.

Thought I could but I couldn't

I set out this morning to join my kids for their class party. I couldn't get down the hall before the tears started to fall. I am lucky to work at place where so many people love and care about me, but that makes it very hard to hold myself together. So, I had to leave. Which made me feel even worse for missing that time with my children. I went and met Tim at his work and we talked about all the things that have happened this year. We both have to come realize that we took the focus off of God and put it on us. We have spent money and time pursuing our desires before stopping to listen to what God wanted us to do. So we have decided to focus on getting back to the path that God has for us and the blessings He has prepared along the way. We will concentrate on paying off the debt we now have and saving for our future, all with a prayer that somewhere along the way God will show us if we are to try for a baby again or adopt or just cherish the two wonderful children that we have.
Thank you to all the wonderful ladies I work with who care so much about me and my children. Thank you for helping out today on one of the busiest days of the school year..Christmas Parties! You don't realize how much it means to me!
Thank you to my wonderful husband for taking on more than you bargained for with my rollercoaster of emotions. Thank you for understanding and picking more than your share of things around the house and with kids!

It doesn't look good

I had blood work done yesterday and it doesn't look good for our Speck. The test was positive but low. I was reading online and normal levels would be 25 or higher. Mine was 11. It looks like Speck tried hard, but just couldn't make it. They want to recheck on Friday and see if the numbers go up, but I KNOW what the result will be. I took a HPT on Tuesday and got a very light line. I woke up at 4 this morning not able to sleep and took another one and the line is gone. Unfortunately it looks like we were unsuccessful. I am devastated and angry. We have spent close to $10,000 on fertility treatments this year with nothing to show for it. Tim has sacrificed his motorcycle in our attempts and for what? A big fat negative. The planner is me wants to know what to do next. How do we fix this? The worst part is, we don't know. I just don't understand why. With all the prayers we have prayed and all the people who prayed for us, why was God's answer NO. I'm not ready to give up, but I do feel I need a break. At this point if I could just move to a deserted island and not have to be around anyone it would be great. I know I can't do that and what I need is the love, support and prayers of my family and friends.
I have not been the wife, mother, teacher, friend or child of God that I need to be. I let this consume me and obviously that didn't work so well. So, instead of working for another baby maybe I need to work on me. Where to begin? Hopefully God will guide me. Apparently I need some neon signs. Please continue to pray for me and my family.

Bedrest is done, now for the waiting...

My parents arrived with the kids yesterday afternoon. I have missed them so much. It was hard to still have to be on my back with them here. They didn't want Grammy or Pappy doing anything for them. They said "No, Mommy do it."
I was feeling a little more optimistic yesterday. My boobs were sore and I was having more heartburn than normal. All signs from past IVF that I was pregnant. Today, I am not as sore, but still sensitive. I was bad and did a HPT, which of course was negative. It's too early, especially since it is just one little embryo. I bought the box of three so I might wait a few days and try again, or I may just wait for the blood test on Wednesday. I will not be telling lots of people right away. I want to make sure that Speck is going to hang around!
I am able to be up today. I had to go let the "vampire" take my blood earlier today. I haven't gotten any results on that yet. They are just checking my estrogen and progesterone levels and seeing if we need to change anything. I am still taking it easy, not lifting the kids as much as I can. I have to say that is the hardest part of all this. Not to be able to just grab them up and love on them. It's hard for them too!
So for now I am trying not to let the negative thoughts get to me. I am trusting that God will bless our family with another baby.

Bedrest day 2

Pretty much the same old stuff here today. I didn't sleep as long this morning but I am thinking of taking a nap in a few minutes. I am having terrible allergy/sinus issues this week. I am coughing and sneezing a lot which is not what I wanted to be doing with little Speck in there trying to attach. So I am pretty miserable. My nose is stopped up and I am supposed to be on my back most of the time which makes breathing a bit of a challenge.
I am trying to be hopeful, yet the doubt keeps creeping in. Tim tells me I have to believe and have faith and I need to stop thinking it's not going to work, but I just can't help it. I had faith that I would have a baby now and I don't. I am terrified of the phone call I will get next week with the results of the first pregnancy test. I just don't know what to expect. I don't know how I will handle if the results are negative...see there I go again.
Well, I am off to read some more from my book, try to get comfortable and maybe take a little nap!

Bedrest oh Bedrest...Day 1

So today has been uneventful as most days on bedrest are. It seems I have a lot of experience with this and each time I wonder how I did it before. I will give you a timeline of my day so far. It's 5:00 now and here's what I did today.

7:30- woke up for morning progesterone shot before Tim left for work.

7:30-10:30 slept some more! Wow, I haven't slept that late in A LONG TIME!

10:30 Ate a bowl of cereal and an orange...in bed or course.

11:00 Started watching Gran Torino, it seems like a good movie, but I couldn't get comfortable so it was hard to watch.

12:30 Enjoyed lunch from Jason's Deli courtesy of my Mother-in-law. It was good and I got a break from the bed!

1:00 Went back to the bed because the couch just isn't that comfortable when you are trying to stay on your back.

2:00 Watched Julie and Julia. I was pretty impressed, it was kinda slow in parts but a good movie.

After the movie I chatted with my great friend Kristina on Facebook. And now I am watching The Newlywed Game on GSN. Waiting on Tim to get home and see what he will cook for dinner... I planned ahead for this week and got some frozen meals that he can just pop in the oven for us!

And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Col 3:15

This was the scripture today on my scripture calendar. How fitting, I sure need to reminded about peace lately!

Home and trying not to move!

I am home and feeling pretty hopeful. Things didn't go as I would have liked, but it could definitely have been worse. We had two embryos. The dr. called them an A and B. The B embryo did not survive the thawing process. Lily, the embryologist was happy with how the A looked. We got to see it in the microscope before they put it in. We could see that it was hatching, so I am hopeful that is a good thing. Tim and I named the little one Speck, cause that is what he looked like...it's instinct to call it a he. We will see I guess. So for now, I am trying to be as still as possible. Not getting out of bed unless I absolutely have to. Praying for God to give us a healthy baby sometime around August or September!
I go for blood work on Friday and then the first pregnancy test will be on December 16.
Thanks for all the prayers!

Excited and Scared

Tomorrow is our big day. We have had so many sweet friends offer words of encouragement and most importantly prayers. We are truly blessed with so many family and friends who support us. I have done pretty good all day today, until tonight. We are on a search committee for a singles minister at our church and they offered a prayer for us tonight. Then they gave me hugs and I just couldn't hold the tears back. I am scared. I am scared I will get a phone call in the morning telling me not to come in because our embryos didn't survive the thaw. It's frustrating Tim that I think that way, but I can't help it. Most of the time I am positive and excited about the whole process again. Most of the time I know that God is going to work it all out and that things will turn out just fine. But, then the doubt creeps in.
I will update tomorrow on how everything goes. I am praying for two healthy embryos to be transferred. Thanks again for all your thoughts and prayers! It's been a tough 5 months but I know things are starting to look up for us. I can't wait to see what God has in store for our family.

I love my husband!

It was a sad weekend in our house. In order to be able to begin to pay for this current embryo transfer Tim had to sell his motorcycle. I fought him on it for a long time. I didn't want him to have to give up the one thing that was his and that he enjoyed so much. Tim had waited for so long to get a motorcycle. He loved riding it. Tim does so much for me and the kids. He doesn't get much for himself and I hated that he had to sell it. It is my mission now to make sure that he gets another one in the future. I am grateful for his sacrifice for our family. If I could get another part time job I would. At this point though that is not feasible. I will be on bedrest next week after the transfer and then hopefully, Lord willing, I will need to take it easy because I will be pregnant! We will be working hard to pay off our debt from all the infertility stuff and saving so that Tim can get the bike of his dreams!

Thank you so much sweetie for sacrificing for our family! I love you so much and would not have made it through the last four months without your strength and support!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving! I am trying to be happy today, but I can't help but think about Ethan. He should be here. I know that I would not have carried him this long. I would be 38 weeks this week and with my history...I'm sure I would be holding my sweet little boy today. So, it's bittersweet for me today. I am trying to be thankful for the blessing of Ethan as short as his life was and not let the grief get the best of me. Each day presents it's own challenges and reminders of what we have lost.

Above all I am so thankful for my family and friends who have supported us through this time in our lives. It has been difficult but I know there are better times ahead for us. I have realized how much I take for granted. I am striving to be a better mom, a better wife and a better friend. Because you just don't know when it will be the last time you see someone.

I am also thankful for the yummy food that is Thanksgiving! I have been cooking a lot yesterday and today. The house smells so good! I can't wait to sit and enjoy it all!

May God bless you and your family! I am looking forward to the blessings God has in store for our family.

Shots~Day 2

I gave myself a shot today. I get it ready and in position and then look away while I stick it in. Something about watching the needle go in the skin makes me want to pass out. I didn't bruise this morning so that's good.
Emotionally I am struggling today. Tim says it's time to make an appointment with the counselor. It has been a while since I saw her last. I am struggling because it seems that everyone around me is getting pregnant. There are baby showers and gender announcements all around. I just want to crawl in a hole until I can handle it. When will that be? Add to that the stress of another cycle and all the worry and fears that come with that, I am a mess! Financially this is a huge stress. I have been burdened with the questions of what if this time doesn't work, what if the embryos aren't good enough to transfer? How will I survive that too? As I am typing this I can hear Tim's answers to my questions in my head...he is out getting sticks for more garage sale signs...he would tell me I need to have faith that God will take care of it and He will take care of me. Right now I am struggling to do that. I am having a hard time trusting God will work it all out, mainly because I fear that God's answers will not be the one I am hoping for. I am scared that I am making a mistake in trying again. I am just full of questions, doubt and fear. I feel that God is giving others the things that I so desperately want and it seems so easy for them. (I know that is not true, but in my pity party mode that's how it feels!)
I am dealing with a lot of regret in regards to Ethan's birth too. I wish so many things could have been different that day. I wish I had taken the time to really look at him. To touch his hands and rub his head. I wish I could remember if he had hair and what color it was. I wish we had gotten his hand prints and foot prints. There are times when I wish we had taken pictures. The Ethan I picture in my mind is a perfect little baby. I know that Ethan's body was not perfect and had many deformities. I guess it's better picturing how he looks in the arms of the Father!

Here I am again, praying for peace and comfort and the will to let God take care of it all.

Shots~Day 1

We have begun the process for another embryo transfer. This morning we started the Lupron shots. I don't have any real noticeable side effects from Lupron. I just notice I am a little more achy than normal. The spot where Tim gave me the shot already has bruised. My poor tummy and hips will never be the same from all these shots!

I am excited to begin this process again, but also very scared. There are so many things that could happen. The statistics are not so great when looking at frozen embryo transfers. My biggest fears right now are that the embryos won't survive the thaw. We have two little ones left. Our insurance does not pay anything for infertility. If this does not work, there is probably no way we could do a whole other invitro cycle again. Unless somehow we stumble across 15 thousand dollars...

I pray daily for God to calm my fears and take the worry away. He is in control and will work it all out. I pray that it is in His will for us to have more children.

Our transfer date is set for Dec. 7 if everything goes as planned. Please pray for our family and for everything to work in God's perfect way.

Our Story

Here is a link to the video that we did for Christian Works, the organization that we have gone to for counseling.

http://www.vimeo.com/7274181

Leah

Monster Monday

Look what I made...




It's a MONSTER cake! I found the recipe in a magazine my mom had. This cake is huge. It has two layers of chocolate cake, two green cake layers, and a pistachio cream filling. We are having a lunch tomorrow at school and this is what I am taking. It's so big it won't fit in my cake carrier. I hope I can get it there in one piece! I'll let you know how it tastes. I am pretty proud of how it turned out. This is my first time to make and use chocolate ganache.

Ok God, I am listening

I will be the first to admit that these last two days have been trying.  Thank goodness the kids are with my parents.  I have been able to cry, argue, question and just let it all out.  Something I think I have neglected to do for awhile now.  I cried all afternoon yesterday.  Asking God all they why questions.  Why did this happen to us?  Why didn't you fix it?  Why can't things just happen normally?  Why do I need surgery again?   I have probably asked these and many other questions of God thousands of times in the last 3 months.  I haven't gotten a definite answer from God yet.  BUT, He has given me a husband who is much wiser and calmer than me.  Tim listened as I cried and complained and wished for things that I can't have.  He lovingly pointed out the things that God has done in our lives since losing Ethan.  Our bloodwork came back fine.  We are not carriers of some horrible genetic defect.  There is only tissue in my uterus.  The doctor is confident he can get it out without any trouble.  He hasn't said I will NEVER have children again.  Tim made sure that I remembered it has only been 3 months.  God is not telling me NO, He is telling me Not yet.  All of these things I know, but I'm having a hard time living them.  I tossed and turned last night, not sleeping good at all.  I got up this morning, got ready to head to school and just couldn't do it.  I couldn't go and face the kids in my class without crying.  I couldn't go listen as others tried to offer words of comfort.  There is NOTHING they can say to take this hurt away.  I sent a text to Stacey and Holly that just said I can't be there today, can't stop crying, spending time with God.  Tim stayed home this morning while I cried.  He held me on the couch while I sobbed and got tears and yes...snot on his shirt!  While I sat there crying our phone rang.  It was Andrea from the Texas Center.  I had prepared myself for her to say we would have delay until after the first of the year.  I composed myself enough to sound somewhat normal on the phone.  She went through the changes of my calendar, when I would start Lupron, when I finish the birth control pill, when I start the estrogen patches...then she said and transfer on December 7.  I couldn't stop the tears.  I couldn't even tell her thank you or good bye.  I hung up the phone, went back to the couch and sobbed some more.  I think Tim was really confused.  It's what I wanted, why was I crying.  Last night before I went to sleep I asked God for anything.  A sign, something to let me know things were going to get better.  My last post even mentioned the transfer on Ethan's due date.  Tears of relief, joy, peace.  That's what those tears were.  God is here, He is listening, He is working. 
And, the sun is shining after days and days of rain!

Broken and angry

So, here's my day. The kids are at my parents house so I have been working like mad to clean the house and get the laundry done before we get them back this weekend. I went to Chick-fil-a had some lunch, walked around Walmart then headed downtown for my follow up sonohyst to check and make sure my uterus is ready for embryos. I wait...like always. Finally I get in, undressed and ready for the good news only to hear him say there's still tissue there. In my mind I am thinking, what, you just went in there last month could you not see it then? Why didn't you get it the first time? So, he shows me pictures from the surgery last month, rambles on about something I couldn't listen to and then says "I need to get in there and get that out."


OH MY WORD!  So, surgery is scheduled for next Thursday, the same day I am supposed to be taking my class to the farm. I sat in the sugery coordinators office and cried.  She didn't make me go up front and pay and then when it was time to leave she showed me the back door.  Thanks!  I then went to the closest restroom and sobbed!  I composed myself, got on the elevator and prayed for no one to notice me.  There was older couple and another lady in the elevator with me.  The older couple got off and we continued down to the lobby.  Just as the doors opened at the lobby the lady asked if I was okay.  Umm, NO!  Do I look okay?  I said no, then walked off the elevator in tears again.  Not only is this not what I expected, it totally messes with our next step. I got my car from the valet, then drove out of the parking lot and called Andrea the nurse at the Texas Center.  Through my tears I asked how this would change our calendar for the transfer.  She said it would probably be 2 weeks after surgery that I could start the Lupron shots.  But she would ask him tomorrow as he had already left for the day.  She mentioned that we were already working around the Thanksgiving Holiday and that they don't schedule transfers after about December 12 until the first of the year.   I am beyond devastated. When we lost Ethan I began on a journey to get pregnant again as soon as possible. As the weeks have gone by it's still been my mission to be pregnant by his due date...it looks as if that is not going to happen. I am broken! Wondering where God is in all this. Does he not hear me? Am I doing something wrong? Would it be that far off his plan for him to give me just a little somthing? A glimmer of hope?
I am praying tonight that I will get some hope tomorrow when Andrea calls me back.  I am praying this will not delay our transfer and we can have it done before Christmas.  Maybe even on Ethan's due date...Dec. 7.

Christian Works for Children

Saturday night we had the priviledge of attending the Christian Works for Children dinner and auction.  Since the death of Ethan we have been seeing a counselor the Counseling Works program.  We were asked to share our story on video to be used by the organization.  So we met with the production company and shared our story only two months after it all happened.  Part of the video was shown at the dinner.  First, the camera adds more than 10 pounds and makes me sound so weird.  Second, Tim did most of the talking but for the video, they picked out everything I said!  How embarrassing!  I knew what was coming, but didn't really prepare myself for the emotions that would be involved.  It was difficult but, worth it.  I hope that someone one day will see the video and seek help.  After the video there was a speaker I had never heard of, but she will forever be with me now.  Pam Cope had her own video of her experiences after losing her 15 year old son suddenly from a heart defect.  She talked about her feelings soon after his death and she nailed my feelings dead on.  I think at one point I leaned over to Kristina and got onto  her for not warning me about this.  Pam and her husband have started the Touch a Life foundation to help rescue children.  She has been on Oprah and other news shows I'm sure.  She wrote a book called Jantsen's Gift.  I got my very own autographed copy!  She signed it in memory of Ethan.  When we walked to the table where she had her books she recognized us from the video and immediately gave me a big hug and let me cry...yes, I cried on a complete strangers shoulder!  She said she had seen the pre production video and knew how much I was hurting.    I am excited to read her book and hopefully find more hope and understanding for the emotions that I am exeriencing.  It was a great night for an organization that has been there for us and many other families.  They minister to families who have experienced deaths, those wanting to adopt, and women who have chosen to give their baby up for adoption.  There were so many good things at the auction.  We didn't get a lot of what we wanted, people kept outbidding us!  I did get a basket of Pampered Chef goodies and a chocolate chip pound cake that was enjoyed by all Sunday at our class potluck.  Tim got a the dice game Perudo. 
Thanks Kristina for helping us get there!  Thanks also for the fun company and the interesting ride home.

Okay God, I'm listening!

I just checked my email after posting my last post.  The daily devotional focused on Joshua 1:9.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

The devotional was all about getting out of your comfort zone to do things for others.  The example was having coffee with a homeless person.  That's not the message I get from this verse.  I hear God telling me to stop worrying and being afraid.  God is with me no matter what happens!

Dr. Appt yesterday

I didn't have much time to update yesterday.  We are getting wood floor installed in our house and I was pretty busy trying to entertain the kids without going downstairs.  It's been interesting.

I went yesterday and had the IUD removed. There is a picture of it to the left. (Not mine, just a sample!)  It is one of the only times I have gotten in to see Dr. Putman early.  My appointment was at 9:30 and I was getting my car from the valet at 9:35.  It was not a big deal, hurt for like 2 seconds and that was all.  I will go back in the next couple of weeks so he can do another sonohyst and check the uterus to make sure it looks perfect.  If everything looks good I am estimating the embryo transfer to be the end of November or the beginning of December.

 This is not at all what I hoped for, but I am trusting that God knows exactly what we need.  My hope was to be pregnant again by now.  I wanted to be well into the first trimester when Ethans due date came.  No matter what,  I know that time will be really sad for me.  I have been having a hard time lately.  It seems that everywhere I go there is a reminder that I am not pregnant.  There's pregnant women everywhere!  At least it seems that way to me.  I would have been 31 weeks today I think.  I would have been feeling Ethan move around inside me.  Tim and the kids would have been able to feel him too.
I have several blogs that I read of others who have lost a baby.  Sometimes I feel like I am not as strong as they are.  These women seem to have such a strong faith.  But I have to remember that it's been longer for them.  I still find myself being sucked in by fear and doubt.  When really, getting pregnant for me is not as unknown as it for others.  I know the process I have to go through.  I don't have to go month after month with nothing.  I am pretty confident in my bodies ability to grow the little embryos.  It's getting those embryos there that keeps me up at night these days.  I am worried...sometimes worried sick, that the little embryos won't survive the thawing process.  But then I remind myself that God is taking care of it all.  He will do what is best.  And then comes the question What if it His plan doesn't include more children?  UGH!  It's a viscous cycle!
Ultimately I am praying God will do what is best for our family!  Boldly I am praying He will bless us with more children!

Praise God we are NORMAL!

Well,  at least our chromosomes are all normal!  We are not carriers of anything that would make us at risk for losing another baby due to chromosomal abnormality.  I could have cried when Dr. Putman said everything was fine with our blood work.  I can just breath a little easier knowing it was just an unfortunate occurance.  I can rejoice in knowing that God has grand plans for our future if only I can fully trust Him to work it all out.  I pray daily that His plan is for us to have another child or two to care for!

Glory Baby

Glory Baby by Watermark
Glory Baby, you slipped away as fast as we could say Baby…Baby.

You were growing. What happened, Dear?
You disappeared on us Baby…Baby.

Heaven will hold you before we do.
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you.

We miss you every day.
We miss you in every way.
But we know there’s a
Day when we will hold you,
We will hold you.
And you’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay.

Can’t wait for the day when we will see you,
We will see you.
But Baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘Til Mom and Dad can hold you.
You’ll just have Heaven before we do.
You’ll just have Heaven before we do.

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
Understand it ‘cause we’re hurting,
We are hurting.
But there is healing,
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing
That all things work together for our good.
And God works His purposes just like He said He would,
Just like He said He would.


I can’t imagine Heaven’s lullabies
And what they must sound like.
But I will rest in knowing that Heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know. Baby, it’s all you’ll ever know…

We miss you every day.
We miss you in every way.
But we know there’s a
Day when we will hold you,
We will hold you.
And you’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay.
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you,
We will see you.
But Baby let sweet Jesus hold you
Til Mom and Dad can hold you.

You’ll just have Heaven before we do.
You’ll just have Heaven before we do.

A different way to look at suffering

This is the devotional for today.  It really made me think about how I am handling things.  I definitely have been asking some of these questions to God.  Why us?  What's the purpose?  What do You have in store for our future?
I have definitely learned a lot through this all.  God is working on my faith. I am praying for Him to reveal a greater plan for our lives!

Leah

'Neither this man nor his parents sinned,' said Jesus, 'but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.'" John 9:3 (NIV)

Jesus had a unique way of clearing up misconceptions by helping people see truth as it was meant to be. For example, in John 9 we find Jesus refuting the traditional explanation of suffering when His disciples point to a man born blind and ask, "Who sinned, this man or his parents?" In other words, they wanted to know Why did he deserve blindness? Jesus answers frankly, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."
The disciples looked backwards to find out why the man was blind. Jesus redirects their attention by pointing forward and upward with a new and different perspective.
Usually, our response to challenges or suffering is determined by our perspective. When our focus is inward on ourselves or outward on circumstances, our natural response is fear, insecurity, grumbling and despair. I know. I've been there far too often. Have you?
Yet, Jesus redirects our questions and our focus. In doing so, it causes us to see suffering in a new light that disproves the old tradition. Not all suffering is a direct result of sin. Pain has a higher purpose in our lives. It's not necessarily there because we deserve it. It's to reveal God's glory.
Suffering is meant to refine us. James says it makes us "perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (1:4b, ESV). Pain drives us to seek the heart and will of God.
Perhaps you and I have been going at it all wrong. We've been looking backwards in the rearview mirror of life asking, "Why? What did I do to deserve this?" Instead, we should look forward and up asking, "What's the purpose of my pain? What's the end result? What is God trying to do, accomplish, or teach me?"
These types of questions enable us to hold out hope for the future. They remind us our suffering can be transformed or redeemed. Tragedies and hardships like the loss of a spouse, a child, a limb, a job, or a home can be used to display God's work and make us more like Jesus.
Isn't it time you and I looked up? An upward focus brings about a supernatural response that reflects trust and confidence in God, as He brings about His glorious work in each of us.

How many days until Oct. 5?

That's my countdown!  I had my post op appointment today with Dr. Putman.  He showed me the pictures he took at the surgery last week.  There was tissue left over from the pregnancy so he removed that, but there were also some other things I think he called lesions...I don't know...  The IUD will come out on October 5.  Once I start a period I will begin with the birth control pill again.  While this is discouraging to me that it will probably be Thanksgiving before we can transfer the embryos, I know that he wants me to be as healthy as possible.  We also talked with him a little bit about the genetics results.  He had us go ahead and do the bloodwork to see if either one of us are carriers.  I am excited and nervous all at the same time.  I am praying that nothing is found in our test.  I pray that this was just a random anomale and not something that could happen again.  So, we decided to postpone our meeting with the genetic counselor until we get the results from todays test.  If we are carriers we will reschedule, but if not we feel there is no need to meet with a counselor as the chances of it happening again are fairly low.
While I am excited to know we are on our way to getting things going again, I also struggle sometimes hour by hour with fear.  What if these embryos don't survive the thawing process?  That is my latest fear.  To get through most of the process only to be stopped.  Then we have to decide...will we try another cycle...somehow find another $15,000?   It's overwhelming and something I just can't think about right now!
 I'm not going to worry!  God is working it out.  He knows what we need.

Searching for God

That's what I have been doing lately.  I find myself asking Where is God?  I am fighting Satan and the negative attitude he is tempting me with.  A lot of days I am faced with doubt and fear.  I feel like God owes me something big for all that we have been through.  I am focused on the fact that my baby is dead.  God could have fixed it.  He didn't.  I had to have surgery to remove the tissue.  God could have made it disappear.  He didn't.  We have to wait to try to get pregnant again.  God could make it happen.  He hasn't yet.  We can't test our last two embryos for genetic abnormalities.  We don't know if Ethans issues were random or because we are carriers of some terrible thing.  I am faced with the fear of never having another baby.    What if our last attempt doesn't work?  What if we get pregnant and the baby has the same genetic issue as Ethan?  I can't even begin to think how heart broken I will be.  It's days like this that make it hard to get out of bed.  Why is it so hard to focus on the blessings in my life?  Glade and Addison are testaments to God's blessings.  We tried for almost 5 years and He gave us two healthy babies.  Shouldn't that be enough for me to see that God is taking care of everything?  We had another counseling session this week.  It was a good one, but I was faced with some tough questions.  Is my faith in God dependent on whether or not I have more children?  My mind knows the answer.  No, I will still love God and have faith in Him.  Will I be happy?  Probably not!  I can't even wrap my brain around having to deal with that.  I am begging, pleading with God to hear me, let it work just one more time.  With a much better outcome...at least much better in my mind.  What could be better than getting to be with God?  That's where Ethan is!  He is whole and complete.  Nothing is wrong with him.  I would still rather have him here, growing.  Selfish I know!
I have to stay focused on God's blessings in my life.  I have to watch out for Satan pulling at me with the negative thoughts and fears.  It would be a lot easier if God would just let me take a glimpse at what He has planned.  Just let me know how it's all going to pan out and I will be fine.  I guess I wouldn't need faith if he did  huh?
I have started Beth Moore's study on Esther with several friends from church.  I am so excited for this study.  We watched the introduction session last Thursday and I felt like she was talking to me alone.  The first lesson in her work book talks about losing hope.  Here a some quotes that I found inspiring.
...in all five occasions where those Hebrew words were associated with impending catastrophe, the ending to each story is happy, but before that happy ending is realized, much grief occurs.

When we trust our lives to the unseen but ever-present God, He will write our lives into His story and every last one of them will turn out to be a great read.  With a grand ending.

I am trying desperately to hold on to God.  I need Him more than ever these days.  I am hoping for a grand ending to this time in my life.  I just need to feel it in my heart.  My mind knows the answers, it's just convincing my heart!

This week I am praying for peace and happiness.  I want to laugh everyday.  With Glade and Addison around that is not hard to do!
I have my post-op appointment on Wednesday.  So hopefully Dr. Putman can give me a tentative schedule of where we go from here.  I think I will feel better when I see the calendar and that it really won't be that long of a delay!
We are also meeting with a Genetic Counselor on Friday.  It's just a consultation, but hopefully we can begin to understand what exactly a pericentric inversion means and what the risks are for any future pregnancies.

Please pray for me.  That I can find God in my life everyday...I know he's there, I just need to be open to Him!

2 months

It's been two months today since Ethan was born. It has truly been a roller coaster of emotions for me. This week is definitely one of the low points. Things just aren't going how I had planned or how I had hoped they would. I know that God is working things out for the good...but is it going to be what I am hoping for?
We got the genetic results on Ethan back. There is some genetic abnormalities. I don't understand a single bit of it. I know that he had a pericentric inversion of the x chromosome. The dr. mentioned something about the 11 and 22 chromosomes. So here's what I did get from my conversation with the dr today. There is a possiblity that either Tim or I are carriers of this type of abnormality. If so, there is a 50/50 chance it will happen again. Our dr. would like us to proceed with implanting our other two embryos. Then once they grow a little they will test them. His recommendation is to terminate if the genetics are abnormal. That is not our plan. God is bigger than a test and while there are still chances for the embryos to be affected, there are chances that they won't be or that it wouldn't be fatal as with Ethan.
I have set up a consultation with a genetics counselor. Hopefully she can help us to understand what happened and what the future risks might be. Tim and I are leaning towards testing us to see if we are carriers. If not, we get some peace of mind knowing it will most likely not happen again.
I am just really struggling lately. It seems as though things just go from bad to worse. When will things start to look up? When will I be able to feel some relief?
I need prayers. Prayers that I can trust God and know that he is doing what is best for me and our family. Prayers that I can still see the blessings even through all the yucky stuff that is happening because right now all I see is the hurt and anger.

Wait, Wait, Wait

That's what I got today. My surgery was scheduled for 11:15. At 11 the nurse came by and said the Dr. had called he was running late and would be there by 12:30. Well, 12:30 came and went. It was 2:00 before I got an IV and got back for surgery. I was fine with this waiting. It's getting me one step closer to getting pregnant again. Last week when I found out about this surgery I called wanting to know what the timeline was from here. I liked the answer I got. It just set us back a few weeks. Too good to be true I guess. The first thing I heard when I woke up this afternoon was IUD. I am devastated! Apparently there was more tissue than he expected and it was more attached than he expected, so he had to put in the IUD to help the uterus heal properly. The IUD will be in for 4 weeks. Then I will have to start the birthcontrol again.
Today I am mad. I am mad that I have to deal with this to begin with. I should be big and pregnant and getting uncomfortable. I am struggling with God. Why couldn't he just make this work out for me? Why? Why can't it just go the way I want it to? Would that be so hard considering all that we have been through lately. Tim was quick to remind me that I have to learn to live on God's time. I KNOW that. I just don't like it. I want to be pregnant. I want to move past this time in my life. I want things to be okay again. Because right now, I am not okay. I am hurting. It just seems like I get a glimmer of hope that things are going to be okay and then something else happens. I am longing for a day when I can wake up and feel happy, truly happy. I want to wake up and really feel that God is here. Maybe I am just not letting him in. I am too focused on my desire to "fix" this. I am too busy thinking about what God could have done for me I am not seeing all the things he is currently doing.
So, for today I am going to be a little angry. Tomorrow I will work on being optimistic and knowing that God is working to make things perfect for when we use our last two embryos. I have to remember it has only been two months and that most women have to wait at least three months before even thinking of trying again.
The genetic results are back. We played phone tag with the dr. regarding those today so hopefully tomorrow I can get some of those answers.
I am praying for God's peace tonight and that he can help me get through this. It is so hard! My faith is definitely being tested and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I don't feel strong enough to endure this. Some days I feel good, but then I have days like today. When I am angry with God for not fixing things the way I think they should be fixed. I need prayers and I need to figure out how to let God work without putting my demands on Him. Any suggestions?

Surgery on Tuesday

So the tissue was still in my uterus.  So I will go in on Tuesday to have it taken out.  I am so frustrated today.   I really wanted things to go just like I think they should.  But of course, we have another road block.  Things should be fine for next month, but I wanted it to be this month.  It's hard to explain why this is so upsetting to me other than I want to get pregnant and this is holding me back from that.  So, instead of enjoying the first week of preschool and getting to know the precious little ones in my class, I get to miss the first day!  I am trying to remain faithful.  I know God is working things out in the most perfect way, but I am still sad and frustrated...maybe a little angry that he can't just give me something...just a little something to let me know that things will turn out okay, that I will get the chance to have more children.  So, pray for us next week.  I pray that the tissue can be removed easily with no impact to my uterus and that things will be fine from here on out and we can proceed with the next step as soon as possible.

Prayers for today

I go the the dr. today.  I am praying for everything to be perfect...ready to get going.  BUT, I really think we will hit another road block.  Without going into too much detail...I am still bleeding.  I think it should have stopped already, but I'm not the doctor so I will see what he says today.  I am still faithful that God will let us know this is what we should do and moving forward will be the answer we get today.  If not, I will be sad, but I know we will get there eventually.

We are headed to Abilene this afternoon to celebrate my niece and nephews birthday.  I can't believe they are turning 11.  Where did the time go?

Please pray for us today.  Pray that I can handle whatever the doctor finds and that I will accept the plan we get today.

Plan B

Today was our first official day back at preschool. I had great plans of getting up early, fixing something for breakfast, getting dinner in the crockpot, and getting things together before I got the kids up. I was kinda excited...until the alarm went off at 6 this morning. My stomach was churning, my back was cramping, my head hurt. So I stayed in bed. Needless to say, I was a little late this morning. Better on a workday than the first day right? The kids didn't want to get up either! But, we made it!

I teach the four and five year olds. We are really trying to get the kids ready for Kindergarten and make the curriculum match the state guidelines for PreK, so the director had scheduled a meeting for us all to talk over a few things this morning. What do I do...start crying! I think it is just the combination of not feeling good and running late...forgetting stuff that I needed at home. It seems to only happen once a week now, so that's getting better! I just feel so helpless with this all. I hate that at any moment I could just start crying. I am so blessed to work with wonderful Christian women who care so much about me. I recovered and got some work done. But I am down today.

I know that I will have days like this. But I have so much to do and a small window of naptime to get them done!

I have been inspired by the Smith family. Todd Smith is a member of the group Selah. He and his wife lost their baby Audrey Caroline last year. They have a new song out called I Will Carry You. Makes me cry everytime I hear it. Their church has put together a Plan B series and on the videos they tell their story. Look for it on youtube, there are three parts to it. Anyway, I watched those today and while it made me cry even more, it did give me hope and inspiration. While I won't have millions of people reading my blog, like the Smiths, I do hope that I can tell our story and bring glory to God in honor of Ethan. I pray that one day our story will bring peace and comfort to someone else going through something similiar. Angie says on the video that God doesn't have a plan b. God knows what he is doing. I am just waiting on God to show me what to do with this and how this could be better than having my baby in my arms.
Every morning I pray that God will guide me through the day. I am waiting expectantly for God to show me what to do next, how to make sure we never forget Ethan's life and the things we have learned because of it.

Psalm 5 :1-3

O Lord, hear me as I pray; pay attention to my groaning. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for I pray to no one but you. Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly.

Let the Rope Come to You

Let the Rope Come to You~Pat Layton

"The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever." Isaiah 32:17 (NIV)When I was very young, my dad taught my three sisters and me how to water-ski. You might imagine the amount of patience that took! We would go out in our family boat into the middle of the lake where one of us girls would jump into the water. Then we would each take our turn around the lake as many times as we could go without falling.Once you fell, another sister was waiting to jump in and take your place. If I fell too soon, before I was ready to give my turn up, I would struggle with all of my might to grab the ski rope back and try getting up again before another sister jumped into the water to take my spot.I remember gatheri ng up all the 8-year-old strength I could muster to get to that rope back into my hands. I floundered and struggled in the water with all that gear attached to me - a life jacket that seemed the size of a small car and water skis that seemed a mile long. I would get exhausted trying to get to that rope in time not to lose my turn.One day I remember my dad calling out, "Pat, just relax, lay back on your life jacket and I will bring the rope to you!" And he did. I would rest in the water and my dad would drive the boat slowly and carefully around me until the ski rope would just float right into my hands. No struggle, no fear of missing it, no one jumping in and taking my place.After 22 years of women's ministry, I have often found myself or watched a sister in her struggle to grab something she was afraid she might loose. A ministry spot, a child, a husband, a friend.Sometimes, we feel that if we don't struggle and strive, we will lose our "turn." That someho w, what God has called us to do, have or be, will be missed or that another "sister" might jump in and take our spot. When those times come in my life, I try to remember the words of my dad, "Pat, just let the rope come to you."Maybe you can relate. Have you been struggling to make something happen in your life or to protect a position or opportunity that you are afraid you will miss if you don't strive for it?Let's listen to the words of our Abba Father, let's just relax in the moment and trust God to "bring the rope to us." If it's His best for us, He will do just that.

Partly Sunny

I receive a daily devotional through email. Here is todays. This is something that I struggle with these days, so hopefully you will benefit from it too.

"Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father. He who has ears, let him hear." Matthew 13:43 (NIV)

Last week my seven-year-old son and I were waiting for his sister to get her hair cut. As we sat in the waiting area, we had no choice but to listen to the radio that played in the background. The forecast came on and the announcer said that it was going to be partly cloudy. My son, who was playing with LEGOs® on the floor, stopped playing and looked up with an indignant look on his face. "Mom," he said, "That man said it's partly cloudy but it's not. It's partly sunny." Then he went back to playing.Oh, to see the world the way my son did in that moment. He taught me a huge lesson on perspective that day and I have b een mulling it over ever since.Do I see my days as partly sunny or partly cloudy? Do I marvel at the wonders or get caught up in the mess? Do I consciously choose to alter my "glass half empty" mentality and choose to see it as half full? Do I rejoice in what I have or focus on what's missing?Just for today, let's focus on the good things that happen, so they don't get lost in the shuffle of life. I hope that you will join me in seeking to see our days as partly sunny. Sure, a few clouds may enter our horizon, but that doesn't mean our outlook has to be altered.Partly cloudy or partly sunny? My son taught me it's all in how I look at it.

Sunday Naps

At the time a nap on Sunday afternoon sounds so good. It feels so good to just crawl in bed and get some good sleep. But then comes Sunday night. Here I am at almost one in the morning and I can't sleep. I mentioned earlier in a post about the Sunday Sadness I was having. It was better today...until now. Our church had a big back to school bash at a local park to kick off the new school year. It was fun and I loved watching Glade and Addison play. I loved hearing Addison sing Jesus Loves Me during our devotional...even though that wasn't the song being sung...she heard the name Jesus and started singing. But I can't help but feel a part of me is missing. I can't help but notice the looks from people. People who probably don't know what to say to me. They don't want to make the hurt worse. But I know it's there. I've probably been one of those people before. How long will that continue? Or, is just me. Am I still hurting so much inside that I think other people can see it and will feel sorry for me?
We had another meeting with our counselor this weekend. Through all this I feel that Tim and I are growing closer and we are learning to communicate with each other so much better. This time, I didn't leave feeling good. I didn't like some of the things the counselor had to say. Partly because I know that some of the things she said had some truth to them. Since we lost Ethan it has been my mission to start the fertility treatments again and get pregnant as quickly as the doctors would do it. It's what I feel will help me get through this. The counselor on the other hand, thinks I should take time to heal. She said I need to slow down and listen for God and wait on His timing. My question is this-how do I know? How do I know that God is okay with us proceeding with the cycle? How do I know if I am rushing God? How do I know it's not my strong desires making me miss the things He is saying?
Here's what I know, or at least what I hope God would do to show me. Our doctors have been okay with moving forward. I do have the issue of the tissue in my uterus. We are proceeding with the meds as we would with the start of the Cryo Cycle. I go on Sept. 4 for a sonogram to see that the tissue or clot is gone. If not, he can try to "knock it out" with saline. I take that as, if it's gone we are good to go. If it's still there and the "knocking it out" doesn't work, then God wants us to wait. Pretty logical I think. Then I start wondering, what if he wants me to wait even though things are okay? See why I am up at one in the morning. Come on God, just hit me in the head with it...that way I know what you want and I can sleep!
So tonight I sit here going back and forth on whether or not this is what we should do. Thinking about how this shouldn't even be what I am worrying about. I should be 6 months pregnant, feeling my baby moving and kicking inside of me. I should be picking out stuff for his nursery. We should be picking out names...because we woudn't have done it yet. But here I am, crying in the middle of the night. Feeling sorry for myself because nothing is what I hoped or dreamed for. When I know there other people who have it far worse than me. There are mothers right now sitting next to their children in a hospital somewhere. I should be able to rejoice that it's not me. Ethan is home, he didn't have to suffer. I have two beautiful, healthy children alseep upstairs right now. That's more than a lot of other families. Many women are suffering infertility. Wondering if God will give them children. I have been one of those women. I start feeling guilty. Guilty for wanting more. Guilty for feeling this way. I should be happy with what I have. I am happy with what I have. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I know that God has blessed us. But I can't get past what we lost. I can't get past the desire to be a mother to more children. I'm sure that this is just a big jumble of mess and any counselors reading this might just see tons of issues that I need to work through.
So tonight, I pray for God's guidance. I pray that he will show us what he wants us to do. In my bold prayer- I pray that he is good with us going ahead with the cycle, and I pray that he blesses the two embryos we have and he lets them both be successful.
I also pray that God helps me see the little blessings each day. So many times I get frustrated with the small things. I pray that he will keep me focused on the good in my life- which means I might need a little more patience with the kids...did I just pray for patience?
I pray that God will use Ethan's life to His glory. I want to do something to honor God and Ethan, I pray that God will show me what that is.
Tonight I also pray for sleep to come. I am praying that all my worries and fears, the sadness and grief and will stop and I can sleep.

So, here I go to let God answer my prayers...and go to sleep!

So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. John 16:22

Coupon Shopping

I have taken on the task of really learning to use coupons. I read all about these people who can cut their grocery bill to almost nothing by using coupons. I have always been pretty doubtful about it all. I stick to the tried and true Low prices at Walmart. So, this week I have my list and I'm printing out coupons and I'm going to see how it goes. When Tim gets home from work today I am off to do some grocery shopping. Really, I'm just looking forward to some time by myself. I feel terrible feeling that way. I love my kids, I am so thankful they are here and they are healthy and that God has blessed us with them, but this week...I've had just about enough. I know my emotions play a big part in this and most days I am excited to watch them grow and learn. So, as my escape, I am going to the grocery store! Hopefully to save some money!
Here's my dilema with coupons...
I almost always buy store brand. I have a hard time figuring out the coupons and store deals to save money on brands with coupons that would make it cheaper than buying store brand.
Also...we buy diapers at Sam's. Should I use the coupons and store sales? Would that make it cheaper? Someone please just tell me what to buy, what coupons to use and where to buy it!
Guess I better go do some more research. There are tons of blogs out there, I just have to get through them all without pulling out my hair or giving up and returning to Walmart!

Peace

I'm finally feeling some peace in all of this. While the time schedule for starting another cycle is not what I want, I do feel peace about it. I know that God is in control. I don't get the tightness in my chest as often as I did. The crying isn't coming as often. I can talk about Ethan and my feelings without just losing it.
On another note: My grandmother was moved to a nursing home today. She has Alzheimer's disease and has been living with my parents since May. My grandad died at the beginning of July. This has been extremly stressful for my parents. I have been praying for some time for some peace for mom and dad and that the decisions they have to make would not be too hard to make. Granny had a stroke on Wednesday. This was an answer to my prayers. Mom didn't have to be the one to decide it was time to put her in the home. She just had to decide which one. I am praying for my mom today, I know it is really hard on her to see her mom this way. I am also praying that mom will find some peace now. She has been so stressed taking care of everything she hasn't really had time to grieve and accept all that has been going on.
I think I can without a doubt say this is the WORST summer I have ever had. BUT, I know that things will work out and the sun will shine in our lives again! I'm just praying for sooner than later!
Here's a scripture I found inspiring today:
2 Corinthians 9:8 (The Message)
8-11God can pour on the blessings in astonishing ways so that you're ready for anything and everything, more than just ready to do what needs to be done. As one psalmist puts it, He throws caution to the winds, giving to the needy in reckless abandon. His right-living, right-giving ways never run out, never wear out.This most generous God who gives seed to the farmer that becomes bread for your meals is more than extravagant with you. He gives you something you can then give away, which grows into full-formed lives, robust in God, wealthy in every way, so that you can be generous in every way, producing with us great praise to God.

Just one of those days

Today is just one of those days where you just want to go back to bed and have a do-over. I had an appointment with Dr. Putman today at 9:45. I get there and they say something happened and I didn’t show up on the schedule and he went for an emergency surgery. So, instead of getting to leave and drive to my parents house, I get to go home finish packing and loading the car, get the kids lunch and go back to the doctor with Glade and Addison. I have to admit the kids were really good, considering we got there at 1:15 and didn’t see Dr. Putman until almost 3. This is their nap time, so they were really tired. I was running out of things to do with them. We sang all the songs we know several times, played simon says and I blew up several rubber gloves. Finally Dr. Putman made it in. He said the lining of my uterus looks good, but there is some tissue or a blood clot in the uterus. I am on medicine to start a period…(sorry to talk about such girly stuff, but I have to write about it, it makes me feel better) The prayer is that the tissue or clot will come out with the period. Once the medicine does it’s job (I am praying it DOES the job because in the past this hasn’t worked for me) Dr. Putman will take another look. If it’s gone, HALLELUJAH, thaw out those embryos! If the tissue is still there he will do a different kind of sonogram and add saline into the uterus. From there he will determine if surgery is needed to remove it. I am praying hard that it just goes away on it’s own. I left the office very discouraged today. I was hoping that I would leave with a calendar in hand of what dates to start what meds for our next transfer. Instead I am being told to wait. Again! So, I get out to the elevator, call Tim and tell him the news. I had to let 3 elevators go without getting on them because they were so full I couldn’t fit with the double stroller. I’m sure everyone thought I was crazy. Here I was with the stroller, the kids, the diaper bag, talking on the phone with tears streaming down my face. It’s not that the news is devastating, or that we can’t ever get pregnant again, it’s just not what I wanted. I wanted him to say that everything looked perfect and we are good to go. But that is my time. God has a different plan and whether that plan is just to wait another couple of week or a couple of months, I know it is the best thing for me. As much as I don’t like it… See, in my head I want to be growing babies by December. I want to know that I will be close to holding another little Schreiner when really I should be holding one then. Not that it will make this hurt any less, or make me not cry over what we have lost. I just want to know I will have another child. (or two)
So driving down the road, crying because it didn’t go the way I wanted, God and I had time to chat. I was able to vent my frustrations that things just aren’t going the way I wanted them too. For those of you who have read any Karen Kingsbury books, you know that the characters always have scriptures that just come to them when they are struggling. Well, I could be a character in her book today. As I was crying, asking God to give me a break. Show me something, let something go right…the scripture Romans 8:28 came to mind. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. That one just came to mind. So through it all, I know it will turn out okay. I know God is taking care of us and he will answer our prayers for more children. So for whatever reason, God felt I needed a lesson on patience today.

Sunday Sadness

It seems to be a pattern in my weeks. Sunday just makes me think about Ethan more. It's the songs we sing, the scriptures that are read and all the people who say they are thinking about us. It just makes me sad. Sad that this is something we have to go through. While all of those things give me hope and comfort, they also make me sad. I have to say I am doing better. I did wear mascara to church today! The last song in worship today was I Need You More. Here are the words:
I need You more
More than yesterday
I need You Lord
More than words can say
I need You more
Than ever before
I need You Lord
I need You Lord
More than the air I breathe
More than the song I sing
More than the next heartbeat
More than anything
And Lord as time goes by
I'll be by Your side
Cause I never want to go back
To my old life

Just listening to everyone sing this song made me tear up. I couldn't finish singing, because that's exactly how I feel right now. I need the Lord more than I ever have before. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with grief and pain that it's hard to breathe. Sometimes I don't even have words, just tears. Thankfully I know that God knows what I need and what I feel and He is there comforting me.
So, here's to hoping the Sunday Sadness won't last forever.
I have a busy week planned. Playdates, Dr. Appointments, and a trip to my parents house will definitely keep me busy. I have found that if I keep busy during the day I don't get too sad. I still have my moments though. Like at 12:30 Friday night, I just started crying. Sobbing really. I have to say this past week has been a hard one. I don't really know why, I have been doing the same things I have in the other weeks since Ethan's death. Maybe because it's been a month today?
Pray for me this week. Tim and I will be apart for most of the week and I find such strength and comfort from him. He's there to give me hugs when he can tell that I am having a hard day. He holds me at night when I am crying. I feel such comfort when he is here or when I can call him at work when I am having a sad day. He will be traveling for work. So pray for his safety and for me to not totally lose it while he is gone! I also go back to the Fertility Dr. this week. I am praying for things to look good so we can begin the process. I will also be traveling to my parents house on Wednesday, so I am praying for happy kids on the ride there since I will be by myself!

If only...

If only? That's the question I have been dealing with today. If only the kids would take a nap? If only there weren't so many bills to pay? If only I could keep the house clean? When what it all boils down to is...if only my baby was still alive. Everything would be fine. The kids would sleep perfect. There wouldn't be quite as many bills this month and the house would be spotless. I KNOW it's not true! I know the kids would still fight there naps and we would still have the same bills(minus a few extra dr. and hospital bills) and the house would be in a lot worse shape than it is now.
Today has been hard because well, there's just not enough money for all the bills, until next week. I feel like I could have done better watching what I spend lately. I could have cooked more and eaten out less...
It's also been hard because I have two fussy two year olds who desperately needed a nap but refused to take one. We have had a busy week and they have been up late every night this week so far because of VBS at our church. Maybe I am just making excuses because selfishly, I need the time when they are asleep. I had plans. Plans to clean up the kitchen and make chocolate chip cookies. So, instead of getting those things done, I played the nap nazi! I sat upstairs returning kids to bed after they would get out. I would get one to sleep and the other would wake him/her up! So, it's now almost 4:30, one child is asleep, the other one is downstairs playing- riding his tricycle in the mess that is our kitchen! The butter is in the mixing bowl, but it doesn't look like the cookies will get made. I'm wondering if I should just skip lunch and go right to dinner, because I missed lunch a long time ago!
It's just been one of those days. And what's more frustrating, is that I am so frustrated I'm frustrated with it all. Shouldn't I be able to handle this? Shouldn't I be able to just let it go and not sweat the small stuff? Because that is what it is. Small stuff. As I was crying to Tim on the phone I said I just want things to be the way they were. I don't want to cry so much, I don't want to get so frustrated with the kids. He reminded me that things won't ever be the way they were. As hard as that is, I do try to find some comfort in it. Ethan will never have to experience the pain that life would have brought him. I try to focus on that. But still the questions is there. If only?
So today, I am praying for relief. Relief from whatever is that is making me so upset today. I am praying that my kids will take a good nap tomorrow. I am praying that God will help me through the rest of the day without completely losing it! I am praying that I will be able to handle tomorrow a little better than I did today.

Facing the Giants

I just love this movie! The first time I saw it I think I cried through the whole thing. It's such a great story with a wonderful message. My sister and I talked about this movie just the other night. I think we relate to this movie because of our struggles with infertility. She reminded me of a quote from the movie. "Will you still love Him even he doesn't give us children?" Ouch, that's a hard question to ask. In the movie the wife of the football coach gets yet another negative pregnancy test. She walks to the car and tells God she still loves him. Now, that's the movie. In my personal experience, that doesn't come immediately. As I told my sister the other night, I know I will still love Him, but I'm not ready to face that question. I'm not ready to come to terms with the fact that our family may remain a family of 4. I have hope! I have hope that God will add to our family.

At the end of the movie, after they have won the state championship, the coach asks what is impossible with God. NOTHING! He can do whatever He wants. The coach says "God chooses to work in our lives because He loves us." I know that God is going to do great things in my life. I know that He will continue to bless my family.

Watching this movie again has helped me trust. Trust that God will do great things in my life even when right now things seem to be falling apart. It has helped me change my attitude to look for the blessings and not dwell on the heartache. At least for this moment.

Just thought I would share this. If you haven't seen this movie, you need to see it!

Worry

Worry. That's what I've spent today doing. Worrying about things that I have no say in and things that are beyond my control. I get so worked up worrying about all the what ifs. What if we don't get pregnant again? What if something is wrong with the next baby?
I think it all stems from someone telling me that if the next cycle doesn't work then I should learn to be content with what I have. I know that I am blessed. I have two beautiful children who make me laugh everyday. Sometimes I may take that for granted and see only the fact that I was pregnant, and now my baby is dead. But that doesn't happen very often. You can't forget about two 2 year olds for long! I love them. I can't imagine my life without them. I am so glad God put them in our lives. But I can't shake the desire to have more.
I just need to trust and pray. I do a lot of praying these days. There is no doubt God knows what I want.

Light in the tunnel...

Our appointment yesterday was good. Since the last time we were there the office has stopped giving validation for parking. See, we used to be able to pull up to the valet and let them park our car and then get a pass for free parking...not anymore. So, we had to pay to park...or so we thought. Some good friends told us about a parking lot across that street that was cheaper than the valet. We took their advice and parked there and parked for FREE! It's the little things in life that are so exciting. I guess when we are faced with more medical bills than we expected, free parking is such a blessing!

Anyway...so the appt. was supposed to be at 4:30. At 5:00 we began to wonder if Dr. Putman was even there. It seems our luck to always have to wait on him. I think it was around 5:10 that we finally got see him. He was super nice and told us he could recommend some couselors. He said our embryos won't age so we could take our time and let him know when we were ready. We all know my answer to that...NOW! So, while he may be a little shocked, we have a plan. I go back in two weeks. He will do a sonogram, check everything out and we will get started. I do have to say I was disappointed to hear the wait. But, I have to say two weeks is better than two months. I have waited a lot longer...it took almost three years to get to this point so we could even start the IVF stuff. So, in the grand scheme of things two weeks is not that bad! I still was just hoping for "okay, here's your calendar of what to do, here's your meds let's get started."
The best part of the appt...there was NO CHARGE! Usually when we go see Dr. Putman we don't leave without spending almost $100. Today was free! Again it's the little things.

Thank you God, for again giving me hope! Hope for the future. Hope for my dream of more children. Thank you for allowing things to work out. Help to continue to look to you and to listen for your plans. Help to never forget this time and the impact that Ethan had on our lives and the lives of others. Help me to live so that you will be glorified, even in the storms of life.

Prayers for today

Today we have an appointment with Fertility Specialist. My prayer is that he is okay with starting another cycle and not waiting. I know that whatever he says will give us our best chances. I will do whatever he thinks is best, but I am praying so hard that we can just get started and get going on another baby or two. (Yes, I would be HAPPY if we got twins from this cycle)

Some scriptures that I am trying to focus on today and the weeks to come as we journey this road.

Jeremiah 29:11- from The Message
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

2 Corinthians 12:9
My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift.

Please pray for us today. Pray that God will show us what he wants for our next steps to be. Pray that we will be open to listen and look for His plan and not let what we want to get in the way.

Leah

Feeling down and not liking it!

I had a pretty good today, but I have just felt down all day. Yesterday was a hard day. It was Sunday and it's hard to be around everyone at church. It's hard because it just makes me think about Ethan more. It makes me think about all the things God is doing for me and it makes me cry. It's also hard because life keeps going even when my world has fallen apart. It's hard because we are in a class with young families who are still having kids. With every birth and every pregnancy announcement it's like someone just hit me in the stomach. I hate feeling that way. It's not that I am upset with the people who are pregnant, it's that I'm so angry it's not me. I'm frustrated that we have had to spend almost $30,000 to have a family. I am sad that we can't just do things the natural way. I'm sad that we can't just decide we want to have another baby and get to it. Our process has to involve medicine, shots and a really expensive doctor. I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself. Please know that if you are one of those people who is making that announcement that I am happy and excited for you. I am praying that you never have to experience what I have been through the last 3 weeks. Please know that you did not cause this sadness and PLEASE do not apologize to me. It's not your fault that I have been through what I have been through.
I know this is something that I have to deal with. Most of the time I can deal with it. I think I am just still so broken from losing Ethan. I know that I am supposed to consider it joy when I face trials because it means the strengthening of my faith, but it is so hard. To be really honest, I am not at the point of considering this joy. At this point, I don't know that I will. I am hopeful! I am trusting that God will use this to his glory. But right now, in this moment, I am hurting! It's a hurt that takes my breath away. A hurt that nothing will help. There's no medicine to cure it. There's no words that make it better. I know that it will get easier with time...at least that is what others have told me. I am just so tired of feeling so down.
So I guess for today, I am praying for joy. I am praying for God to show me the good in this situation and I am praying for me to get to make my announcement again soon.

Thank you!

I know I have said before how thankful I am for all the cards, emails, hugs and such. It really amazes me how many people are praying for us.
There is one person who means so much to me and has been such a HUGE support during all of this.
Tim, you mean the world to me and I couldn't have made it without you. You have taken on so much the last few weeks. All the while experiencing grief and sadness of your own. Thank you for being a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for your words of encouragement. Thank you for just being there to listen when I am so frustrated and angry. Thank you for the prayers you pray for our family. Thank you for knowing when I am feeling down before I even say anything. Thank you for all the little things you do to make me feel better. Thank you for giving me reassurance sometimes several times a day, even when I just heard it five minutes ago. Thank you for being willing to drop everything at any minute if I need you. You amaze me everyday with your faith and strength. I am so glad you are with me through this. I am grateful that our children get to see your faith and I pray that one day they will have a faith just as strong as yours.
I am amazed at how this has brought us so much closer together and to God. I pray that we will continue to look to each other and to God. I love you so much! I look forward to what God has in store for our future.

Praise you in this storm

Over the last few weeks I have been finding comfort in music. One song really gives me comfort these days and that Praise you in this storm by Casting Crowns. I cry everytime I hear it. Here are the words to the chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

My heart is torn. Part of me is gone and I'll never get it back. It's comforting to hear the words in the song that He holds every tear in his hand. At this moment he has enough to probably make a lake! I know that God is here, I know He is holding me up right now. Anyway, that's just what gives me comfort at the moment.