Thursday, January 28, 2010

What I needed to hear today

This is the devotional I got today. It is just what I needed to hear. Since doing my last post I have been in a funk, really wanting something that Lord is not ready to give me. Another child. So here I am in mess of emotions and I get a devotional about a mess. Thank you God for knowing what I need. Just to sit and wait.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness..." Romans 8:26 (NIV)
Have you ever been in a situation that seemed like such a mess you simply couldn't make sense of it? Like trying to straighten out a tangled necklace, you wonder how in heavens' name did all these knots get kinked and twisted and pulled so tight. And in the midst of trying to untangle a knot on one side you inadvertently form another on the other end.It's frustrating when this happens with a piece of jewelry. And it's even more frustrating when it happens in relationships.The other day I sat down to pray about a messy relationship and the knots were so consuming I couldn't even begin to make sense of it all. I didn't even know what to pray. I kept trying to think of wise words to offer up to the Lord that would surely unlock pieces and parts of this mess. But I was completely without a drop of insight. All I could see was a mess.So, that's all I prayed, "Lord, this is a mess."And then I just sat quietly and waited.And waited.And waited.All that waiting time makes a doing girl like me feel like my nerves are going to bust out of my skin and start yanking my limbs into action. So, with all my might, I made myself sit and say nothing at all except, "Lord, this is a mess." And you know what? It was really hard to sit there with no answers. No wise words to pray. My usually very verbal self couldn't express anything but, "Lord, this is a mess."I believe it's situations like this for which Romans 8:26-28 was written:In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (NIV).In our weakness we can't objectively search our mind and spirit. And often in our weakness we can't untangle our knots according to God's will. We are too intertwined in emotion and assumption. That's why sometimes it's best if we just simply sit quietly and let the Spirit do some groaning, untangling and working on our behalf.Like verse 28 says, there is good to come out of this. God is working and will work good out of this mess. Sometimes I think the only thing standing between our mess and His good work from it is our need to sit quietly. In the quiet beautiful things happen:• We calm down.• We create some white space between our harsh reaction and the way we'd want to react if we really thought things through first.• We can ask God to intervene with real wisdom instead of our assumptions.• God can show us where we need to change. We can't control the other person and parking our efforts toward trying will exhaust us. But we can let God help us change, which will create positive progress. (For more great things that can happen in the quiet, visit Lysa's blog linked below.)I can't help but notice that the first four letters of Messiah spell mess. We need Him. Only the Messiah can take our mess and turn it into a untangled message of hope, forgiveness, and ultimately love.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Things I've lost

At our last couseling session I was given an assignment. That assignment was to list all of the things that I feel I have lost. I have been thinking about this for a long time. Our session was at the end of December. I would find myself thinking during the day about things and make a mental note to put that on my list. I have been feeling so good the last few weeks that I just couldn't bring myself to actually sit down and write it out. Today at preschool we had the ministers come for our community helper. They taught a lesson on prayer and how sometimes God will just say no to a prayer we pray. That got me to thinking of all the prayers I have prayed the last few months and how God's answer was no. So I felt today was a good day to make the list and share it, or just write it out for my benefit.

I lost my son.

I lost an embryo...well 3 really but one had a good chance of making it.

I lost the chance to be pregnant ever again. Which is something that I am still trying to accept. i want to feel that again, I want to feel my baby growing inside me, but unless God works a miracle or we win the lottery I know it will not happen.

I lost the chance to see Glade and Addison interact with their little brother. I see them around other babies and how sweet they are with them and it makes my heart hurt.

I lost part of me. I will never be the same and sometimes it makes me angry.

I lost the ability to look at a newborn baby and not feel sad and think of Ethan.

I lost the ability to attend a baby shower. At least for the moment. I never got to have one for the twins and was looking forward to having one for Ethan.

I lost the ability to be excited when someone gets pregnant. I feel that I will always be sad and wish it was me. I am hoping that gets better with time.

I lost my faith in God. Maybe that isn't the right way to say it, but I am disappointed in Him. I prayed and asked God to fix it, to make it right, to give me a baby. His making it right was not what I expected. I am hoping to see some blessings beyond this time of my life. I know that God will do more than I can imagine, but I can't imagine losing my baby to be better than a whole lot. (if that makes sense...)

I lost time with my kids. I haven't been the best mom to them through all this and I feel horrible. All the times I could have picked them up but said no. All the times they wanted to play and I couldn't because I was too upset.

The counselor said that after I write the list I need to give it to God and let Him take it. So here you go God, it's all yours.

On another note...please pray for our family as we explore the possiblity of adopting. We can't actively pursue anything right now because it is too expensive, but we are praying for God to open some doors and help us add to our family.

Saturday, January 2, 2010


I have lots of questions lately. It's funny to me how confident I can be sometimes and then just a few minutes later be filled with doubt. I am struggling to understand all that has happened in the last 6 months. I know that I may never have a full undertstanding. I know that God can do more than I could ever dream or imagine, but why couldn't that be to have a healthy pregnancy? Why did this not work for us? Why is God allowing so many others to have more children? I may never have any answers, but it sure would be nice for God to give me a little of His reasoning.
When I start feeling this way I can feel the panic rise and the urge to fix it comes. If I had my way I would be filling out adoption paperwork to get started with the adoption process. Unfortunately we don't have the money for adoption right now. We have to pay the bills for the fertility treatments we did this year.
I am praying that God will help us quickly pay off the debt so we can start saving and begin the process of adoption. I am praying that God will allow us to be a family for a sweet baby in need. I am praying that I can wait on God and listen for His direction.
My sister gave me a bible study about starting a Grand New Day. It is a study of Joy. I think it will really help me. The first lesson was all about listening for your wake up call from God. I think He has given me serveral wake up calls and I just pressed the snooze button. I liked how things were going. Well, I am awake now! Ready to see what Grand New Day God has in store...