Monster Monday

Look what I made...




It's a MONSTER cake! I found the recipe in a magazine my mom had. This cake is huge. It has two layers of chocolate cake, two green cake layers, and a pistachio cream filling. We are having a lunch tomorrow at school and this is what I am taking. It's so big it won't fit in my cake carrier. I hope I can get it there in one piece! I'll let you know how it tastes. I am pretty proud of how it turned out. This is my first time to make and use chocolate ganache.

Ok God, I am listening

I will be the first to admit that these last two days have been trying.  Thank goodness the kids are with my parents.  I have been able to cry, argue, question and just let it all out.  Something I think I have neglected to do for awhile now.  I cried all afternoon yesterday.  Asking God all they why questions.  Why did this happen to us?  Why didn't you fix it?  Why can't things just happen normally?  Why do I need surgery again?   I have probably asked these and many other questions of God thousands of times in the last 3 months.  I haven't gotten a definite answer from God yet.  BUT, He has given me a husband who is much wiser and calmer than me.  Tim listened as I cried and complained and wished for things that I can't have.  He lovingly pointed out the things that God has done in our lives since losing Ethan.  Our bloodwork came back fine.  We are not carriers of some horrible genetic defect.  There is only tissue in my uterus.  The doctor is confident he can get it out without any trouble.  He hasn't said I will NEVER have children again.  Tim made sure that I remembered it has only been 3 months.  God is not telling me NO, He is telling me Not yet.  All of these things I know, but I'm having a hard time living them.  I tossed and turned last night, not sleeping good at all.  I got up this morning, got ready to head to school and just couldn't do it.  I couldn't go and face the kids in my class without crying.  I couldn't go listen as others tried to offer words of comfort.  There is NOTHING they can say to take this hurt away.  I sent a text to Stacey and Holly that just said I can't be there today, can't stop crying, spending time with God.  Tim stayed home this morning while I cried.  He held me on the couch while I sobbed and got tears and yes...snot on his shirt!  While I sat there crying our phone rang.  It was Andrea from the Texas Center.  I had prepared myself for her to say we would have delay until after the first of the year.  I composed myself enough to sound somewhat normal on the phone.  She went through the changes of my calendar, when I would start Lupron, when I finish the birth control pill, when I start the estrogen patches...then she said and transfer on December 7.  I couldn't stop the tears.  I couldn't even tell her thank you or good bye.  I hung up the phone, went back to the couch and sobbed some more.  I think Tim was really confused.  It's what I wanted, why was I crying.  Last night before I went to sleep I asked God for anything.  A sign, something to let me know things were going to get better.  My last post even mentioned the transfer on Ethan's due date.  Tears of relief, joy, peace.  That's what those tears were.  God is here, He is listening, He is working. 
And, the sun is shining after days and days of rain!

Broken and angry

So, here's my day. The kids are at my parents house so I have been working like mad to clean the house and get the laundry done before we get them back this weekend. I went to Chick-fil-a had some lunch, walked around Walmart then headed downtown for my follow up sonohyst to check and make sure my uterus is ready for embryos. I wait...like always. Finally I get in, undressed and ready for the good news only to hear him say there's still tissue there. In my mind I am thinking, what, you just went in there last month could you not see it then? Why didn't you get it the first time? So, he shows me pictures from the surgery last month, rambles on about something I couldn't listen to and then says "I need to get in there and get that out."


OH MY WORD!  So, surgery is scheduled for next Thursday, the same day I am supposed to be taking my class to the farm. I sat in the sugery coordinators office and cried.  She didn't make me go up front and pay and then when it was time to leave she showed me the back door.  Thanks!  I then went to the closest restroom and sobbed!  I composed myself, got on the elevator and prayed for no one to notice me.  There was older couple and another lady in the elevator with me.  The older couple got off and we continued down to the lobby.  Just as the doors opened at the lobby the lady asked if I was okay.  Umm, NO!  Do I look okay?  I said no, then walked off the elevator in tears again.  Not only is this not what I expected, it totally messes with our next step. I got my car from the valet, then drove out of the parking lot and called Andrea the nurse at the Texas Center.  Through my tears I asked how this would change our calendar for the transfer.  She said it would probably be 2 weeks after surgery that I could start the Lupron shots.  But she would ask him tomorrow as he had already left for the day.  She mentioned that we were already working around the Thanksgiving Holiday and that they don't schedule transfers after about December 12 until the first of the year.   I am beyond devastated. When we lost Ethan I began on a journey to get pregnant again as soon as possible. As the weeks have gone by it's still been my mission to be pregnant by his due date...it looks as if that is not going to happen. I am broken! Wondering where God is in all this. Does he not hear me? Am I doing something wrong? Would it be that far off his plan for him to give me just a little somthing? A glimmer of hope?
I am praying tonight that I will get some hope tomorrow when Andrea calls me back.  I am praying this will not delay our transfer and we can have it done before Christmas.  Maybe even on Ethan's due date...Dec. 7.

Christian Works for Children

Saturday night we had the priviledge of attending the Christian Works for Children dinner and auction.  Since the death of Ethan we have been seeing a counselor the Counseling Works program.  We were asked to share our story on video to be used by the organization.  So we met with the production company and shared our story only two months after it all happened.  Part of the video was shown at the dinner.  First, the camera adds more than 10 pounds and makes me sound so weird.  Second, Tim did most of the talking but for the video, they picked out everything I said!  How embarrassing!  I knew what was coming, but didn't really prepare myself for the emotions that would be involved.  It was difficult but, worth it.  I hope that someone one day will see the video and seek help.  After the video there was a speaker I had never heard of, but she will forever be with me now.  Pam Cope had her own video of her experiences after losing her 15 year old son suddenly from a heart defect.  She talked about her feelings soon after his death and she nailed my feelings dead on.  I think at one point I leaned over to Kristina and got onto  her for not warning me about this.  Pam and her husband have started the Touch a Life foundation to help rescue children.  She has been on Oprah and other news shows I'm sure.  She wrote a book called Jantsen's Gift.  I got my very own autographed copy!  She signed it in memory of Ethan.  When we walked to the table where she had her books she recognized us from the video and immediately gave me a big hug and let me cry...yes, I cried on a complete strangers shoulder!  She said she had seen the pre production video and knew how much I was hurting.    I am excited to read her book and hopefully find more hope and understanding for the emotions that I am exeriencing.  It was a great night for an organization that has been there for us and many other families.  They minister to families who have experienced deaths, those wanting to adopt, and women who have chosen to give their baby up for adoption.  There were so many good things at the auction.  We didn't get a lot of what we wanted, people kept outbidding us!  I did get a basket of Pampered Chef goodies and a chocolate chip pound cake that was enjoyed by all Sunday at our class potluck.  Tim got a the dice game Perudo. 
Thanks Kristina for helping us get there!  Thanks also for the fun company and the interesting ride home.

Okay God, I'm listening!

I just checked my email after posting my last post.  The daily devotional focused on Joshua 1:9.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

The devotional was all about getting out of your comfort zone to do things for others.  The example was having coffee with a homeless person.  That's not the message I get from this verse.  I hear God telling me to stop worrying and being afraid.  God is with me no matter what happens!

Dr. Appt yesterday

I didn't have much time to update yesterday.  We are getting wood floor installed in our house and I was pretty busy trying to entertain the kids without going downstairs.  It's been interesting.

I went yesterday and had the IUD removed. There is a picture of it to the left. (Not mine, just a sample!)  It is one of the only times I have gotten in to see Dr. Putman early.  My appointment was at 9:30 and I was getting my car from the valet at 9:35.  It was not a big deal, hurt for like 2 seconds and that was all.  I will go back in the next couple of weeks so he can do another sonohyst and check the uterus to make sure it looks perfect.  If everything looks good I am estimating the embryo transfer to be the end of November or the beginning of December.

 This is not at all what I hoped for, but I am trusting that God knows exactly what we need.  My hope was to be pregnant again by now.  I wanted to be well into the first trimester when Ethans due date came.  No matter what,  I know that time will be really sad for me.  I have been having a hard time lately.  It seems that everywhere I go there is a reminder that I am not pregnant.  There's pregnant women everywhere!  At least it seems that way to me.  I would have been 31 weeks today I think.  I would have been feeling Ethan move around inside me.  Tim and the kids would have been able to feel him too.
I have several blogs that I read of others who have lost a baby.  Sometimes I feel like I am not as strong as they are.  These women seem to have such a strong faith.  But I have to remember that it's been longer for them.  I still find myself being sucked in by fear and doubt.  When really, getting pregnant for me is not as unknown as it for others.  I know the process I have to go through.  I don't have to go month after month with nothing.  I am pretty confident in my bodies ability to grow the little embryos.  It's getting those embryos there that keeps me up at night these days.  I am worried...sometimes worried sick, that the little embryos won't survive the thawing process.  But then I remind myself that God is taking care of it all.  He will do what is best.  And then comes the question What if it His plan doesn't include more children?  UGH!  It's a viscous cycle!
Ultimately I am praying God will do what is best for our family!  Boldly I am praying He will bless us with more children!

Praise God we are NORMAL!

Well,  at least our chromosomes are all normal!  We are not carriers of anything that would make us at risk for losing another baby due to chromosomal abnormality.  I could have cried when Dr. Putman said everything was fine with our blood work.  I can just breath a little easier knowing it was just an unfortunate occurance.  I can rejoice in knowing that God has grand plans for our future if only I can fully trust Him to work it all out.  I pray daily that His plan is for us to have another child or two to care for!

Glory Baby

Glory Baby by Watermark
Glory Baby, you slipped away as fast as we could say Baby…Baby.

You were growing. What happened, Dear?
You disappeared on us Baby…Baby.

Heaven will hold you before we do.
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you.

We miss you every day.
We miss you in every way.
But we know there’s a
Day when we will hold you,
We will hold you.
And you’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay.

Can’t wait for the day when we will see you,
We will see you.
But Baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘Til Mom and Dad can hold you.
You’ll just have Heaven before we do.
You’ll just have Heaven before we do.

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
Understand it ‘cause we’re hurting,
We are hurting.
But there is healing,
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing
That all things work together for our good.
And God works His purposes just like He said He would,
Just like He said He would.


I can’t imagine Heaven’s lullabies
And what they must sound like.
But I will rest in knowing that Heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know. Baby, it’s all you’ll ever know…

We miss you every day.
We miss you in every way.
But we know there’s a
Day when we will hold you,
We will hold you.
And you’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay.
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you,
We will see you.
But Baby let sweet Jesus hold you
Til Mom and Dad can hold you.

You’ll just have Heaven before we do.
You’ll just have Heaven before we do.