Thursday, February 18, 2010

Faith vs. reality (or what I know as reality)

I know I have mentioned before that I don't want to do another IVF cycle, but I have really been struggling with the desire to be pregnant.  This week I have been hopeful...let me explain.  I haven't been feeling great, last week I had some ususual spotting that was too early to be a period, so that got me to thinking.  Maybe, just maybe I could get pregnant on my own.  There is one part of me that says "Don't hold your breath Leah."  Then there's another part of me who thinks back to something someone told me when we first found out the last cycle was unsuccessful.  A very good friend of mine said God is bigger than my uterus. 
So with all the things I have been feeling lately...I started to wonder.  So I bought a pregnancy test today and of course it was negative.  Tim really stresses that I need to think positive, but it's so hard to even comprehend that I could get pregnant without the help of a Dr. and lots of medication.  I know God could do it, I'm just having a hard time thinking that He will.  So I guess, how do you balance the two?  How do  I hold on to hope and have faith that God could make it happen but also keep my sanity when month after month it doesn't happen?  I think it would just be easier to know that it will never happen as opposed to always wondering, even just a little if maybe, just maybe this was the month.
So I find myself thinking about talking to the dr.  What if there was something we could try.  What if we tried chlomid for a few months?  What if there was some new drug that just might work if we only tried it?  But then I remember I just need to sit and wait.  God has big things in store, I just pray hard daily that He will bless us with more children.
So, I ask you to pray some specific things for me.
1.  Pray that God will give me peace and an understanding to know what to do...wait, pursue adoption, or see the doctor again and try some less expensive methods of conceiving.
2.  Pray that I can lose some weight, seems I have been slowly putting on the pounds since we lost Ethan.