Friday, December 18, 2009

Just as I thought

Well, the results were just as I thought they would be. They went from 11.2 to 11.9. So basically nothing. The little Speck tried to stick, but just couldn't keep going. I have to go back on Monday for another blood draw to make sure the levels come down. To look on the bright side I don't have to do anymore shots and I get to take the sticky patches off...

While we are very disappointed we aren't giving up, we are just waiting. As much as this hurts, I am relieved to have an answer. Not the answer I was hoping for, but an answer none the less. I am also excited, excited to not have to be cautious when lifting the kids. Excited to get to drink Coke again! Excited about my new focus of getting my routine and schedule and house back in order. I know I will continue to have my sad days. I know that with every birth of each friend's baby I will have that longing and feel the tug in my heart. I also know that God will take care of me. For whatever reason, it is not our time, and as hard it is to think may never happen. But, I do know that God will bless us richly as long as we continue to call on Him.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Thought I could but I couldn't

I set out this morning to join my kids for their class party. I couldn't get down the hall before the tears started to fall. I am lucky to work at place where so many people love and care about me, but that makes it very hard to hold myself together. So, I had to leave. Which made me feel even worse for missing that time with my children. I went and met Tim at his work and we talked about all the things that have happened this year. We both have to come realize that we took the focus off of God and put it on us. We have spent money and time pursuing our desires before stopping to listen to what God wanted us to do. So we have decided to focus on getting back to the path that God has for us and the blessings He has prepared along the way. We will concentrate on paying off the debt we now have and saving for our future, all with a prayer that somewhere along the way God will show us if we are to try for a baby again or adopt or just cherish the two wonderful children that we have.
Thank you to all the wonderful ladies I work with who care so much about me and my children. Thank you for helping out today on one of the busiest days of the school year..Christmas Parties! You don't realize how much it means to me!
Thank you to my wonderful husband for taking on more than you bargained for with my rollercoaster of emotions. Thank you for understanding and picking more than your share of things around the house and with kids!

It doesn't look good

I had blood work done yesterday and it doesn't look good for our Speck. The test was positive but low. I was reading online and normal levels would be 25 or higher. Mine was 11. It looks like Speck tried hard, but just couldn't make it. They want to recheck on Friday and see if the numbers go up, but I KNOW what the result will be. I took a HPT on Tuesday and got a very light line. I woke up at 4 this morning not able to sleep and took another one and the line is gone. Unfortunately it looks like we were unsuccessful. I am devastated and angry. We have spent close to $10,000 on fertility treatments this year with nothing to show for it. Tim has sacrificed his motorcycle in our attempts and for what? A big fat negative. The planner is me wants to know what to do next. How do we fix this? The worst part is, we don't know. I just don't understand why. With all the prayers we have prayed and all the people who prayed for us, why was God's answer NO. I'm not ready to give up, but I do feel I need a break. At this point if I could just move to a deserted island and not have to be around anyone it would be great. I know I can't do that and what I need is the love, support and prayers of my family and friends.
I have not been the wife, mother, teacher, friend or child of God that I need to be. I let this consume me and obviously that didn't work so well. So, instead of working for another baby maybe I need to work on me. Where to begin? Hopefully God will guide me. Apparently I need some neon signs. Please continue to pray for me and my family.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Bedrest is done, now for the waiting...

My parents arrived with the kids yesterday afternoon. I have missed them so much. It was hard to still have to be on my back with them here. They didn't want Grammy or Pappy doing anything for them. They said "No, Mommy do it."
I was feeling a little more optimistic yesterday. My boobs were sore and I was having more heartburn than normal. All signs from past IVF that I was pregnant. Today, I am not as sore, but still sensitive. I was bad and did a HPT, which of course was negative. It's too early, especially since it is just one little embryo. I bought the box of three so I might wait a few days and try again, or I may just wait for the blood test on Wednesday. I will not be telling lots of people right away. I want to make sure that Speck is going to hang around!
I am able to be up today. I had to go let the "vampire" take my blood earlier today. I haven't gotten any results on that yet. They are just checking my estrogen and progesterone levels and seeing if we need to change anything. I am still taking it easy, not lifting the kids as much as I can. I have to say that is the hardest part of all this. Not to be able to just grab them up and love on them. It's hard for them too!
So for now I am trying not to let the negative thoughts get to me. I am trusting that God will bless our family with another baby.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Bedrest day 2

Pretty much the same old stuff here today. I didn't sleep as long this morning but I am thinking of taking a nap in a few minutes. I am having terrible allergy/sinus issues this week. I am coughing and sneezing a lot which is not what I wanted to be doing with little Speck in there trying to attach. So I am pretty miserable. My nose is stopped up and I am supposed to be on my back most of the time which makes breathing a bit of a challenge.
I am trying to be hopeful, yet the doubt keeps creeping in. Tim tells me I have to believe and have faith and I need to stop thinking it's not going to work, but I just can't help it. I had faith that I would have a baby now and I don't. I am terrified of the phone call I will get next week with the results of the first pregnancy test. I just don't know what to expect. I don't know how I will handle if the results are negative...see there I go again.
Well, I am off to read some more from my book, try to get comfortable and maybe take a little nap!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Bedrest oh Bedrest...Day 1

So today has been uneventful as most days on bedrest are. It seems I have a lot of experience with this and each time I wonder how I did it before. I will give you a timeline of my day so far. It's 5:00 now and here's what I did today.

7:30- woke up for morning progesterone shot before Tim left for work.

7:30-10:30 slept some more! Wow, I haven't slept that late in A LONG TIME!

10:30 Ate a bowl of cereal and an bed or course.

11:00 Started watching Gran Torino, it seems like a good movie, but I couldn't get comfortable so it was hard to watch.

12:30 Enjoyed lunch from Jason's Deli courtesy of my Mother-in-law. It was good and I got a break from the bed!

1:00 Went back to the bed because the couch just isn't that comfortable when you are trying to stay on your back.

2:00 Watched Julie and Julia. I was pretty impressed, it was kinda slow in parts but a good movie.

After the movie I chatted with my great friend Kristina on Facebook. And now I am watching The Newlywed Game on GSN. Waiting on Tim to get home and see what he will cook for dinner... I planned ahead for this week and got some frozen meals that he can just pop in the oven for us!

And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Col 3:15
This was the scripture today on my scripture calendar. How fitting, I sure need to reminded about peace lately!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Home and trying not to move!

I am home and feeling pretty hopeful. Things didn't go as I would have liked, but it could definitely have been worse. We had two embryos. The dr. called them an A and B. The B embryo did not survive the thawing process. Lily, the embryologist was happy with how the A looked. We got to see it in the microscope before they put it in. We could see that it was hatching, so I am hopeful that is a good thing. Tim and I named the little one Speck, cause that is what he looked's instinct to call it a he. We will see I guess. So for now, I am trying to be as still as possible. Not getting out of bed unless I absolutely have to. Praying for God to give us a healthy baby sometime around August or September!
I go for blood work on Friday and then the first pregnancy test will be on December 16.
Thanks for all the prayers!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Excited and Scared

Tomorrow is our big day. We have had so many sweet friends offer words of encouragement and most importantly prayers. We are truly blessed with so many family and friends who support us. I have done pretty good all day today, until tonight. We are on a search committee for a singles minister at our church and they offered a prayer for us tonight. Then they gave me hugs and I just couldn't hold the tears back. I am scared. I am scared I will get a phone call in the morning telling me not to come in because our embryos didn't survive the thaw. It's frustrating Tim that I think that way, but I can't help it. Most of the time I am positive and excited about the whole process again. Most of the time I know that God is going to work it all out and that things will turn out just fine. But, then the doubt creeps in.
I will update tomorrow on how everything goes. I am praying for two healthy embryos to be transferred. Thanks again for all your thoughts and prayers! It's been a tough 5 months but I know things are starting to look up for us. I can't wait to see what God has in store for our family.