Monday, November 30, 2009

I love my husband!

It was a sad weekend in our house. In order to be able to begin to pay for this current embryo transfer Tim had to sell his motorcycle. I fought him on it for a long time. I didn't want him to have to give up the one thing that was his and that he enjoyed so much. Tim had waited for so long to get a motorcycle. He loved riding it. Tim does so much for me and the kids. He doesn't get much for himself and I hated that he had to sell it. It is my mission now to make sure that he gets another one in the future. I am grateful for his sacrifice for our family. If I could get another part time job I would. At this point though that is not feasible. I will be on bedrest next week after the transfer and then hopefully, Lord willing, I will need to take it easy because I will be pregnant! We will be working hard to pay off our debt from all the infertility stuff and saving so that Tim can get the bike of his dreams!

Thank you so much sweetie for sacrificing for our family! I love you so much and would not have made it through the last four months without your strength and support!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving! I am trying to be happy today, but I can't help but think about Ethan. He should be here. I know that I would not have carried him this long. I would be 38 weeks this week and with my history...I'm sure I would be holding my sweet little boy today. So, it's bittersweet for me today. I am trying to be thankful for the blessing of Ethan as short as his life was and not let the grief get the best of me. Each day presents it's own challenges and reminders of what we have lost.

Above all I am so thankful for my family and friends who have supported us through this time in our lives. It has been difficult but I know there are better times ahead for us. I have realized how much I take for granted. I am striving to be a better mom, a better wife and a better friend. Because you just don't know when it will be the last time you see someone.

I am also thankful for the yummy food that is Thanksgiving! I have been cooking a lot yesterday and today. The house smells so good! I can't wait to sit and enjoy it all!

May God bless you and your family! I am looking forward to the blessings God has in store for our family.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Shots~Day 2

I gave myself a shot today. I get it ready and in position and then look away while I stick it in. Something about watching the needle go in the skin makes me want to pass out. I didn't bruise this morning so that's good.
Emotionally I am struggling today. Tim says it's time to make an appointment with the counselor. It has been a while since I saw her last. I am struggling because it seems that everyone around me is getting pregnant. There are baby showers and gender announcements all around. I just want to crawl in a hole until I can handle it. When will that be? Add to that the stress of another cycle and all the worry and fears that come with that, I am a mess! Financially this is a huge stress. I have been burdened with the questions of what if this time doesn't work, what if the embryos aren't good enough to transfer? How will I survive that too? As I am typing this I can hear Tim's answers to my questions in my head...he is out getting sticks for more garage sale signs...he would tell me I need to have faith that God will take care of it and He will take care of me. Right now I am struggling to do that. I am having a hard time trusting God will work it all out, mainly because I fear that God's answers will not be the one I am hoping for. I am scared that I am making a mistake in trying again. I am just full of questions, doubt and fear. I feel that God is giving others the things that I so desperately want and it seems so easy for them. (I know that is not true, but in my pity party mode that's how it feels!)
I am dealing with a lot of regret in regards to Ethan's birth too. I wish so many things could have been different that day. I wish I had taken the time to really look at him. To touch his hands and rub his head. I wish I could remember if he had hair and what color it was. I wish we had gotten his hand prints and foot prints. There are times when I wish we had taken pictures. The Ethan I picture in my mind is a perfect little baby. I know that Ethan's body was not perfect and had many deformities. I guess it's better picturing how he looks in the arms of the Father!

Here I am again, praying for peace and comfort and the will to let God take care of it all.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Shots~Day 1

We have begun the process for another embryo transfer. This morning we started the Lupron shots. I don't have any real noticeable side effects from Lupron. I just notice I am a little more achy than normal. The spot where Tim gave me the shot already has bruised. My poor tummy and hips will never be the same from all these shots!

I am excited to begin this process again, but also very scared. There are so many things that could happen. The statistics are not so great when looking at frozen embryo transfers. My biggest fears right now are that the embryos won't survive the thaw. We have two little ones left. Our insurance does not pay anything for infertility. If this does not work, there is probably no way we could do a whole other invitro cycle again. Unless somehow we stumble across 15 thousand dollars...

I pray daily for God to calm my fears and take the worry away. He is in control and will work it all out. I pray that it is in His will for us to have more children.

Our transfer date is set for Dec. 7 if everything goes as planned. Please pray for our family and for everything to work in God's perfect way.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Our Story

Here is a link to the video that we did for Christian Works, the organization that we have gone to for counseling.