Shots~Day 2

I gave myself a shot today. I get it ready and in position and then look away while I stick it in. Something about watching the needle go in the skin makes me want to pass out. I didn't bruise this morning so that's good.
Emotionally I am struggling today. Tim says it's time to make an appointment with the counselor. It has been a while since I saw her last. I am struggling because it seems that everyone around me is getting pregnant. There are baby showers and gender announcements all around. I just want to crawl in a hole until I can handle it. When will that be? Add to that the stress of another cycle and all the worry and fears that come with that, I am a mess! Financially this is a huge stress. I have been burdened with the questions of what if this time doesn't work, what if the embryos aren't good enough to transfer? How will I survive that too? As I am typing this I can hear Tim's answers to my questions in my head...he is out getting sticks for more garage sale signs...he would tell me I need to have faith that God will take care of it and He will take care of me. Right now I am struggling to do that. I am having a hard time trusting God will work it all out, mainly because I fear that God's answers will not be the one I am hoping for. I am scared that I am making a mistake in trying again. I am just full of questions, doubt and fear. I feel that God is giving others the things that I so desperately want and it seems so easy for them. (I know that is not true, but in my pity party mode that's how it feels!)
I am dealing with a lot of regret in regards to Ethan's birth too. I wish so many things could have been different that day. I wish I had taken the time to really look at him. To touch his hands and rub his head. I wish I could remember if he had hair and what color it was. I wish we had gotten his hand prints and foot prints. There are times when I wish we had taken pictures. The Ethan I picture in my mind is a perfect little baby. I know that Ethan's body was not perfect and had many deformities. I guess it's better picturing how he looks in the arms of the Father!

Here I am again, praying for peace and comfort and the will to let God take care of it all.