Things I've lost

At our last couseling session I was given an assignment. That assignment was to list all of the things that I feel I have lost. I have been thinking about this for a long time. Our session was at the end of December. I would find myself thinking during the day about things and make a mental note to put that on my list. I have been feeling so good the last few weeks that I just couldn't bring myself to actually sit down and write it out. Today at preschool we had the ministers come for our community helper. They taught a lesson on prayer and how sometimes God will just say no to a prayer we pray. That got me to thinking of all the prayers I have prayed the last few months and how God's answer was no. So I felt today was a good day to make the list and share it, or just write it out for my benefit.

I lost my son.

I lost an embryo...well 3 really but one had a good chance of making it.

I lost the chance to be pregnant ever again. Which is something that I am still trying to accept. i want to feel that again, I want to feel my baby growing inside me, but unless God works a miracle or we win the lottery I know it will not happen.

I lost the chance to see Glade and Addison interact with their little brother. I see them around other babies and how sweet they are with them and it makes my heart hurt.

I lost part of me. I will never be the same and sometimes it makes me angry.

I lost the ability to look at a newborn baby and not feel sad and think of Ethan.

I lost the ability to attend a baby shower. At least for the moment. I never got to have one for the twins and was looking forward to having one for Ethan.

I lost the ability to be excited when someone gets pregnant. I feel that I will always be sad and wish it was me. I am hoping that gets better with time.

I lost my faith in God. Maybe that isn't the right way to say it, but I am disappointed in Him. I prayed and asked God to fix it, to make it right, to give me a baby. His making it right was not what I expected. I am hoping to see some blessings beyond this time of my life. I know that God will do more than I can imagine, but I can't imagine losing my baby to be better than a whole lot. (if that makes sense...)

I lost time with my kids. I haven't been the best mom to them through all this and I feel horrible. All the times I could have picked them up but said no. All the times they wanted to play and I couldn't because I was too upset.

The counselor said that after I write the list I need to give it to God and let Him take it. So here you go God, it's all yours.

On another note...please pray for our family as we explore the possiblity of adopting. We can't actively pursue anything right now because it is too expensive, but we are praying for God to open some doors and help us add to our family.