At the time a nap on Sunday afternoon sounds so good. It feels so good to just crawl in bed and get some good sleep. But then comes Sunday night. Here I am at almost one in the morning and I can't sleep. I mentioned earlier in a post about the Sunday Sadness I was having. It was better today...until now. Our church had a big back to school bash at a local park to kick off the new school year. It was fun and I loved watching Glade and Addison play. I loved hearing Addison sing Jesus Loves Me during our devotional...even though that wasn't the song being sung...she heard the name Jesus and started singing. But I can't help but feel a part of me is missing. I can't help but notice the looks from people. People who probably don't know what to say to me. They don't want to make the hurt worse. But I know it's there. I've probably been one of those people before. How long will that continue? Or, is just me. Am I still hurting so much inside that I think other people can see it and will feel sorry for me?
We had another meeting with our counselor this weekend. Through all this I feel that Tim and I are growing closer and we are learning to communicate with each other so much better. This time, I didn't leave feeling good. I didn't like some of the things the counselor had to say. Partly because I know that some of the things she said had some truth to them. Since we lost Ethan it has been my mission to start the fertility treatments again and get pregnant as quickly as the doctors would do it. It's what I feel will help me get through this. The counselor on the other hand, thinks I should take time to heal. She said I need to slow down and listen for God and wait on His timing. My question is this-how do I know? How do I know that God is okay with us proceeding with the cycle? How do I know if I am rushing God? How do I know it's not my strong desires making me miss the things He is saying?
Here's what I know, or at least what I hope God would do to show me. Our doctors have been okay with moving forward. I do have the issue of the tissue in my uterus. We are proceeding with the meds as we would with the start of the Cryo Cycle. I go on Sept. 4 for a sonogram to see that the tissue or clot is gone. If not, he can try to "knock it out" with saline. I take that as, if it's gone we are good to go. If it's still there and the "knocking it out" doesn't work, then God wants us to wait. Pretty logical I think. Then I start wondering, what if he wants me to wait even though things are okay? See why I am up at one in the morning. Come on God, just hit me in the head with it...that way I know what you want and I can sleep!
So tonight I sit here going back and forth on whether or not this is what we should do. Thinking about how this shouldn't even be what I am worrying about. I should be 6 months pregnant, feeling my baby moving and kicking inside of me. I should be picking out stuff for his nursery. We should be picking out names...because we woudn't have done it yet. But here I am, crying in the middle of the night. Feeling sorry for myself because nothing is what I hoped or dreamed for. When I know there other people who have it far worse than me. There are mothers right now sitting next to their children in a hospital somewhere. I should be able to rejoice that it's not me. Ethan is home, he didn't have to suffer. I have two beautiful, healthy children alseep upstairs right now. That's more than a lot of other families. Many women are suffering infertility. Wondering if God will give them children. I have been one of those women. I start feeling guilty. Guilty for wanting more. Guilty for feeling this way. I should be happy with what I have. I am happy with what I have. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I know that God has blessed us. But I can't get past what we lost. I can't get past the desire to be a mother to more children. I'm sure that this is just a big jumble of mess and any counselors reading this might just see tons of issues that I need to work through.
So tonight, I pray for God's guidance. I pray that he will show us what he wants us to do. In my bold prayer- I pray that he is good with us going ahead with the cycle, and I pray that he blesses the two embryos we have and he lets them both be successful.
I also pray that God helps me see the little blessings each day. So many times I get frustrated with the small things. I pray that he will keep me focused on the good in my life- which means I might need a little more patience with the kids...did I just pray for patience?
I pray that God will use Ethan's life to His glory. I want to do something to honor God and Ethan, I pray that God will show me what that is.
Tonight I also pray for sleep to come. I am praying that all my worries and fears, the sadness and grief and will stop and I can sleep.
So, here I go to let God answer my prayers...and go to sleep!
So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. John 16:22
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