If only...

If only? That's the question I have been dealing with today. If only the kids would take a nap? If only there weren't so many bills to pay? If only I could keep the house clean? When what it all boils down to is...if only my baby was still alive. Everything would be fine. The kids would sleep perfect. There wouldn't be quite as many bills this month and the house would be spotless. I KNOW it's not true! I know the kids would still fight there naps and we would still have the same bills(minus a few extra dr. and hospital bills) and the house would be in a lot worse shape than it is now.
Today has been hard because well, there's just not enough money for all the bills, until next week. I feel like I could have done better watching what I spend lately. I could have cooked more and eaten out less...
It's also been hard because I have two fussy two year olds who desperately needed a nap but refused to take one. We have had a busy week and they have been up late every night this week so far because of VBS at our church. Maybe I am just making excuses because selfishly, I need the time when they are asleep. I had plans. Plans to clean up the kitchen and make chocolate chip cookies. So, instead of getting those things done, I played the nap nazi! I sat upstairs returning kids to bed after they would get out. I would get one to sleep and the other would wake him/her up! So, it's now almost 4:30, one child is asleep, the other one is downstairs playing- riding his tricycle in the mess that is our kitchen! The butter is in the mixing bowl, but it doesn't look like the cookies will get made. I'm wondering if I should just skip lunch and go right to dinner, because I missed lunch a long time ago!
It's just been one of those days. And what's more frustrating, is that I am so frustrated I'm frustrated with it all. Shouldn't I be able to handle this? Shouldn't I be able to just let it go and not sweat the small stuff? Because that is what it is. Small stuff. As I was crying to Tim on the phone I said I just want things to be the way they were. I don't want to cry so much, I don't want to get so frustrated with the kids. He reminded me that things won't ever be the way they were. As hard as that is, I do try to find some comfort in it. Ethan will never have to experience the pain that life would have brought him. I try to focus on that. But still the questions is there. If only?
So today, I am praying for relief. Relief from whatever is that is making me so upset today. I am praying that my kids will take a good nap tomorrow. I am praying that God will help me through the rest of the day without completely losing it! I am praying that I will be able to handle tomorrow a little better than I did today.