That's what I got today. My surgery was scheduled for 11:15. At 11 the nurse came by and said the Dr. had called he was running late and would be there by 12:30. Well, 12:30 came and went. It was 2:00 before I got an IV and got back for surgery. I was fine with this waiting. It's getting me one step closer to getting pregnant again. Last week when I found out about this surgery I called wanting to know what the timeline was from here. I liked the answer I got. It just set us back a few weeks. Too good to be true I guess. The first thing I heard when I woke up this afternoon was IUD. I am devastated! Apparently there was more tissue than he expected and it was more attached than he expected, so he had to put in the IUD to help the uterus heal properly. The IUD will be in for 4 weeks. Then I will have to start the birthcontrol again.
Today I am mad. I am mad that I have to deal with this to begin with. I should be big and pregnant and getting uncomfortable. I am struggling with God. Why couldn't he just make this work out for me? Why? Why can't it just go the way I want it to? Would that be so hard considering all that we have been through lately. Tim was quick to remind me that I have to learn to live on God's time. I KNOW that. I just don't like it. I want to be pregnant. I want to move past this time in my life. I want things to be okay again. Because right now, I am not okay. I am hurting. It just seems like I get a glimmer of hope that things are going to be okay and then something else happens. I am longing for a day when I can wake up and feel happy, truly happy. I want to wake up and really feel that God is here. Maybe I am just not letting him in. I am too focused on my desire to "fix" this. I am too busy thinking about what God could have done for me I am not seeing all the things he is currently doing.
So, for today I am going to be a little angry. Tomorrow I will work on being optimistic and knowing that God is working to make things perfect for when we use our last two embryos. I have to remember it has only been two months and that most women have to wait at least three months before even thinking of trying again.
The genetic results are back. We played phone tag with the dr. regarding those today so hopefully tomorrow I can get some of those answers.
I am praying for God's peace tonight and that he can help me get through this. It is so hard! My faith is definitely being tested and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I don't feel strong enough to endure this. Some days I feel good, but then I have days like today. When I am angry with God for not fixing things the way I think they should be fixed. I need prayers and I need to figure out how to let God work without putting my demands on Him. Any suggestions?
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Oh Leah, I'm so sorry things didn't turn out like you had hoped. For some reason, I thought your surgery was tomorrow. Are you feeling okay? Are you able to walk around? Do you need any help? I know it's SO hard to focus on God's timing when you so desperately want something. But for some reason (that you may or may not ever know), He's wanting you to wait. I'm not saying it's easy to let go and trust, but just know that He wants the best for you and He WANTS you to be happy. Hopefully one day soon, you can look back on this time and know that God really was there with you every step. Hard times always make you stronger, even though it's not fun. Hang in there, I'm praying for you, Leah.
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