Searching for God

That's what I have been doing lately.  I find myself asking Where is God?  I am fighting Satan and the negative attitude he is tempting me with.  A lot of days I am faced with doubt and fear.  I feel like God owes me something big for all that we have been through.  I am focused on the fact that my baby is dead.  God could have fixed it.  He didn't.  I had to have surgery to remove the tissue.  God could have made it disappear.  He didn't.  We have to wait to try to get pregnant again.  God could make it happen.  He hasn't yet.  We can't test our last two embryos for genetic abnormalities.  We don't know if Ethans issues were random or because we are carriers of some terrible thing.  I am faced with the fear of never having another baby.    What if our last attempt doesn't work?  What if we get pregnant and the baby has the same genetic issue as Ethan?  I can't even begin to think how heart broken I will be.  It's days like this that make it hard to get out of bed.  Why is it so hard to focus on the blessings in my life?  Glade and Addison are testaments to God's blessings.  We tried for almost 5 years and He gave us two healthy babies.  Shouldn't that be enough for me to see that God is taking care of everything?  We had another counseling session this week.  It was a good one, but I was faced with some tough questions.  Is my faith in God dependent on whether or not I have more children?  My mind knows the answer.  No, I will still love God and have faith in Him.  Will I be happy?  Probably not!  I can't even wrap my brain around having to deal with that.  I am begging, pleading with God to hear me, let it work just one more time.  With a much better outcome...at least much better in my mind.  What could be better than getting to be with God?  That's where Ethan is!  He is whole and complete.  Nothing is wrong with him.  I would still rather have him here, growing.  Selfish I know!
I have to stay focused on God's blessings in my life.  I have to watch out for Satan pulling at me with the negative thoughts and fears.  It would be a lot easier if God would just let me take a glimpse at what He has planned.  Just let me know how it's all going to pan out and I will be fine.  I guess I wouldn't need faith if he did  huh?
I have started Beth Moore's study on Esther with several friends from church.  I am so excited for this study.  We watched the introduction session last Thursday and I felt like she was talking to me alone.  The first lesson in her work book talks about losing hope.  Here a some quotes that I found inspiring.
...in all five occasions where those Hebrew words were associated with impending catastrophe, the ending to each story is happy, but before that happy ending is realized, much grief occurs.

When we trust our lives to the unseen but ever-present God, He will write our lives into His story and every last one of them will turn out to be a great read.  With a grand ending.

I am trying desperately to hold on to God.  I need Him more than ever these days.  I am hoping for a grand ending to this time in my life.  I just need to feel it in my heart.  My mind knows the answers, it's just convincing my heart!

This week I am praying for peace and happiness.  I want to laugh everyday.  With Glade and Addison around that is not hard to do!
I have my post-op appointment on Wednesday.  So hopefully Dr. Putman can give me a tentative schedule of where we go from here.  I think I will feel better when I see the calendar and that it really won't be that long of a delay!
We are also meeting with a Genetic Counselor on Friday.  It's just a consultation, but hopefully we can begin to understand what exactly a pericentric inversion means and what the risks are for any future pregnancies.

Please pray for me.  That I can find God in my life everyday...I know he's there, I just need to be open to Him!