2 months

It's been two months today since Ethan was born. It has truly been a roller coaster of emotions for me. This week is definitely one of the low points. Things just aren't going how I had planned or how I had hoped they would. I know that God is working things out for the good...but is it going to be what I am hoping for?
We got the genetic results on Ethan back. There is some genetic abnormalities. I don't understand a single bit of it. I know that he had a pericentric inversion of the x chromosome. The dr. mentioned something about the 11 and 22 chromosomes. So here's what I did get from my conversation with the dr today. There is a possiblity that either Tim or I are carriers of this type of abnormality. If so, there is a 50/50 chance it will happen again. Our dr. would like us to proceed with implanting our other two embryos. Then once they grow a little they will test them. His recommendation is to terminate if the genetics are abnormal. That is not our plan. God is bigger than a test and while there are still chances for the embryos to be affected, there are chances that they won't be or that it wouldn't be fatal as with Ethan.
I have set up a consultation with a genetics counselor. Hopefully she can help us to understand what happened and what the future risks might be. Tim and I are leaning towards testing us to see if we are carriers. If not, we get some peace of mind knowing it will most likely not happen again.
I am just really struggling lately. It seems as though things just go from bad to worse. When will things start to look up? When will I be able to feel some relief?
I need prayers. Prayers that I can trust God and know that he is doing what is best for me and our family. Prayers that I can still see the blessings even through all the yucky stuff that is happening because right now all I see is the hurt and anger.