Broken and angry

So, here's my day. The kids are at my parents house so I have been working like mad to clean the house and get the laundry done before we get them back this weekend. I went to Chick-fil-a had some lunch, walked around Walmart then headed downtown for my follow up sonohyst to check and make sure my uterus is ready for embryos. I wait...like always. Finally I get in, undressed and ready for the good news only to hear him say there's still tissue there. In my mind I am thinking, what, you just went in there last month could you not see it then? Why didn't you get it the first time? So, he shows me pictures from the surgery last month, rambles on about something I couldn't listen to and then says "I need to get in there and get that out."


OH MY WORD!  So, surgery is scheduled for next Thursday, the same day I am supposed to be taking my class to the farm. I sat in the sugery coordinators office and cried.  She didn't make me go up front and pay and then when it was time to leave she showed me the back door.  Thanks!  I then went to the closest restroom and sobbed!  I composed myself, got on the elevator and prayed for no one to notice me.  There was older couple and another lady in the elevator with me.  The older couple got off and we continued down to the lobby.  Just as the doors opened at the lobby the lady asked if I was okay.  Umm, NO!  Do I look okay?  I said no, then walked off the elevator in tears again.  Not only is this not what I expected, it totally messes with our next step. I got my car from the valet, then drove out of the parking lot and called Andrea the nurse at the Texas Center.  Through my tears I asked how this would change our calendar for the transfer.  She said it would probably be 2 weeks after surgery that I could start the Lupron shots.  But she would ask him tomorrow as he had already left for the day.  She mentioned that we were already working around the Thanksgiving Holiday and that they don't schedule transfers after about December 12 until the first of the year.   I am beyond devastated. When we lost Ethan I began on a journey to get pregnant again as soon as possible. As the weeks have gone by it's still been my mission to be pregnant by his due date...it looks as if that is not going to happen. I am broken! Wondering where God is in all this. Does he not hear me? Am I doing something wrong? Would it be that far off his plan for him to give me just a little somthing? A glimmer of hope?
I am praying tonight that I will get some hope tomorrow when Andrea calls me back.  I am praying this will not delay our transfer and we can have it done before Christmas.  Maybe even on Ethan's due date...Dec. 7.