Ok God, I am listening

I will be the first to admit that these last two days have been trying.  Thank goodness the kids are with my parents.  I have been able to cry, argue, question and just let it all out.  Something I think I have neglected to do for awhile now.  I cried all afternoon yesterday.  Asking God all they why questions.  Why did this happen to us?  Why didn't you fix it?  Why can't things just happen normally?  Why do I need surgery again?   I have probably asked these and many other questions of God thousands of times in the last 3 months.  I haven't gotten a definite answer from God yet.  BUT, He has given me a husband who is much wiser and calmer than me.  Tim listened as I cried and complained and wished for things that I can't have.  He lovingly pointed out the things that God has done in our lives since losing Ethan.  Our bloodwork came back fine.  We are not carriers of some horrible genetic defect.  There is only tissue in my uterus.  The doctor is confident he can get it out without any trouble.  He hasn't said I will NEVER have children again.  Tim made sure that I remembered it has only been 3 months.  God is not telling me NO, He is telling me Not yet.  All of these things I know, but I'm having a hard time living them.  I tossed and turned last night, not sleeping good at all.  I got up this morning, got ready to head to school and just couldn't do it.  I couldn't go and face the kids in my class without crying.  I couldn't go listen as others tried to offer words of comfort.  There is NOTHING they can say to take this hurt away.  I sent a text to Stacey and Holly that just said I can't be there today, can't stop crying, spending time with God.  Tim stayed home this morning while I cried.  He held me on the couch while I sobbed and got tears and yes...snot on his shirt!  While I sat there crying our phone rang.  It was Andrea from the Texas Center.  I had prepared myself for her to say we would have delay until after the first of the year.  I composed myself enough to sound somewhat normal on the phone.  She went through the changes of my calendar, when I would start Lupron, when I finish the birth control pill, when I start the estrogen patches...then she said and transfer on December 7.  I couldn't stop the tears.  I couldn't even tell her thank you or good bye.  I hung up the phone, went back to the couch and sobbed some more.  I think Tim was really confused.  It's what I wanted, why was I crying.  Last night before I went to sleep I asked God for anything.  A sign, something to let me know things were going to get better.  My last post even mentioned the transfer on Ethan's due date.  Tears of relief, joy, peace.  That's what those tears were.  God is here, He is listening, He is working. 
And, the sun is shining after days and days of rain!