All I want for Christmas

I struggled this year to think of something that I want for Christmas.  In the past years there has always been something that I wanted.  This year I feel like I have everything I need. And then some.  My house is full of stuff, some of the stuff is precious to me but some needs to be thrown away.  I don't need anymore stuff.   What I want for Christmas is not something that can be bought at a store.  It cannot be ordered online.  I have so enjoyed seeing the JOY and excitement in the eyes of my children this year.  Glade and Addison get it.  They know who Santa is and what he does.  They are beyond excited.  Oh, I wish I could see them share that excitement with their little brother.  Oh how I would love for him to be here.  But I know he is celebrating with Jesus, what a celebration it must be...

Inspired and disappointed with myself...

First I have to say that the Selah concert was SO good.  I cried, like a baby!  Todd Smith shared his story of losing their daughter Audrey just after her birth.  He then had all of us in the audience who had lost a child to stand.  It's amazing to me how many women have lost a child that you didn't know.  I remember thinking last year how long will I be "Leah the one who's baby died."  Now, I long to have people remember my baby.  I constantly want to do things to show that Ethan was here if only inside me for a short 18 weeks.  I struggle with the fact that our loss was so much earlier in the pregnancy than most of the others I hear about.  Ethan was not full term.  We don't have pictures of a baby.  I have small memories of what his feet looked like and the shape of his head...but that's about it.   It's not that I want recognition...I want people to remember my baby, to know that he will ALWAYS be part of our family.   There are so many families who have been through the loss of a child that have done so much in honor of their child.  I think of the Smith's from Selah.  I found another blog last week and then had a friend email me the same blog today.  I am AMAZED at what they have done in their son's name.  Check it out here.   The Jacobs family has done some amazing things for others.  Reading things like this make me feel like a horrible mom to Ethan.  I have used this blog to vent MY frustration and put MY grief into words.  What have I done to honor Ethan? 
So here is my challenge to you...the few who are still reading...
Do something for someone else in honor of Ethan and make a comment to let me know what you have done.  I hope to be adding some things that I have done to honor my baby by blessing others.

Christian Works

It's that time of year again!  Tonight is the Auction for the organization where we went to counseling after losing Ethan.  You might remember we were part of their video last year.  This time of year brings back memories of a dark time in our lives.  I am so proud of how far we have come, but mostly how far I have come.  When I think back to those first days after our loss, I wasn't sure how I would be able to continue on.  But I did and I have and I know that I am a much better wife, mother and friend because of Ethan.  Lately I have been reading several blogs of other moms who have lost a baby.  It seems so easy for them to pinpoint God's blessings...and some of these mothers have some pretty awesome stories.  I sometimes get down and wish I could have a story like theirs.  I find myself wondering do I just not see it.  Am I missing something that God is calling me to do?   I am praying for God to show me a way to keep Ethan in our family and to give Ethan's life a greater purpose...one that will touch others and show the glory of God.

Anyway, I say this because one of those blogs is Angie Smith.  Wife of Todd from Selah...who will be at the auction tonight!  I am so hoping that she will be there.  I really just want to give her a hug and thank her for the ministry of her blog.  They lost a daughter several years ago and the blog is her journey.  It's called Bring the Rain.  I have been inspired and learned so much from her.

I will post again if I get to meet her!  I will take my camera just in case.  I better go get ready.  The babysitter will be here in 30 minutes!  YIKES!

Defined By God- Proverbs 31 Ministries

Defined By God

15 Sep 2010
Shari Braendel

"The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." Psalm 45:11 (NIV)

One word. Flabbergasted.


That was the emotion I had coursing through my body as I sat at the coffee shop discussing my weight issues with a friend.


I told her I had recently cut out certain foods from my diet, but was continuing to maintain my "happy weight," that number the scale just seems extremely happy to faithfully report whether I have eaten healthy and exercised that week or not. We had a good laugh as she described how sometimes she locks her scale away so she's not tempted to jump on it every day just to find out if she's still her same "happy" self.


As a result of this conversation I realized that if I am not careful I can easily al low the scale, or the mirror, to become a compass that shifts my focus and points me in the wrong direction. It seems illogical, yet at times I look to this digital device, or this earthly reflection to gauge my emotional status and essentially define me.


The Bible tells us that the God of the universe is enthralled with our beauty. Seriously? Yes, indeed! He thinks we are amazing and wonderful. Unfortunately, more often than not, we look in the mirror and only see our flaws; hair that's just a mite too frizzy; a tummy that's a bit too fluffy; and thighs that have a few too many dimples on them. My friend Renee likes to call her cellulite "the fingerprints of God." One time I shared that with a group of women, and one of them said, "Well then He must have REALLY big hands!"


So, what would life look like if we accepted God workmanship? Can you imagine how different we would feel about ourselves if we glanced in the mirror and told God "thank You for making me so wonderfu lly"? If you listen closely, I bet you would hear Him respond, "All beautiful, you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you" (Song of Solomon 4:7, NIV).


No matter your size or shape, the number on your clothes tag or your scale, you are beautiful! Let's embrace that we are fine just the way we are because if God says so, then it's true!


Dear God, thank You for making me the way I am. Please help me to have more confidence. I will practice defining myself through Your eyes and not my own. I am grateful, and humbled to be Your beautiful daughter, and I can feel Your approving gaze upon me. In Jesus' name, Amen.


Application Steps:


Make a list of five things you really like about your outer appearance.


When you find yourself in a funk, remember to define yourself through God's eyes.


Accept a compliment with a smile and a thank you.






Reflections:


When was the last time you gave yourself permission to treat yourself to something new? You are valuable to Him, and to those who love you. It is okay to take care of yourself too.


Does my scale define me?


Power Verses:


Psalm 139:14, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." (NIV)


Song of Solomon 4:1, "How beautiful, you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful!" (NIV)


Ephesians 2:10, "We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (NIV)

I so needed this lately.  I have been so down in the dumps about the numbers on my scale being bigger than any I have seen before.  Have I ever really thought that all the things I see as flaws, God sees as beautiful?  I love the power verses at the end.  Do I praise God because I am wonderfully made?  I praise him for making me...do I praise Him for making my ovaries not work?  If I look at Ephesians 2:10, I am God's workmanship, created to do good works that God prepared in ADVANCE for me to do.   WOW!  Does that mean He prepared my infertility for me to do good works?  Did He prepare for me to do good works because of the loss of Ethan?  Oh, how I pray that I can make Him proud.   As hard as those two things have been, it is so comforting to know that I am God's workmanship and He calls me beautiful.  I hope that on days when I feel far from beautiful I can remember that God looks at me and sees beauty every day!






© 2010 by Shari Braendel. All rights reserved.

This is so hard

I sit here crying as I am sorting through all the baby clothes that I kept in hopes of using them again.  I kept everything!  I decided it was time to sell some of the things I was holding on to, because honestly...will I ever use them again?  And if we do have another baby will these clothes still be "in style"?  I got to the box that had the outfits the kids wore in our first Christmas card pictures and had to leave the room!  I am keeping those.  It just breaks my heart going through all this.  It is still my prayer that God will give us a miracle.  I really have to work on my faith though because even as I type that I think..."but I'm not holding my breath"  I just have to remember to "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14 (NLT)

Happy Birthday Ethan

I have dreaded this day for a year now.  I can't believe it has been a year, but then again it seems like so much longer.  A year ago I wasn't sure how I would go on.  It hurt so bad.  It still hurts and I still ache to hold my precious baby.  To kiss his sweet baby head and smell that baby smell.  This last year I have cried a lot, prayed a lot and learned a lot.  My fear today is that as time goes on we will move on and Ethan will be just a distant memory, a little bump in our life.  I want him to be much more than that.  As I thought about what we could do to celebrate and remember our baby nothing seemed good enough.  I looked at what other's have done and got some good ideas: make a bear at Build-a-Bear, plant a tree, make cupcakes, release balloons, make a memorial garden...while all of  them would help us celebrate Ethan, I feel they just won't measure up.  This is a day I want us to remember forever.  Ethan's Day.  I know as the kids get older and life gets busy we might want to overlook it, but my prayer is that we can use this day to celebrate our family and celebrate a life that was not long enough.  Today I remember a precious a baby that was prayed for years ago.  I thank God for what He has taught me this year and what I still need to learn.  My heart is hurting today, but I am thankful.  Thankful for the opportunity to be Ethan's mom.  Thankful for wonderful friends and family who hurt with me today.  Thankful for sweet friends who know chocolate makes it a little better.  Thankful for a husband who understands my tears and holds me while I cry.
Today has been a good day.  Tim and I went to the hospital to visit the Memorial Garden where Ethan's ashes were spread.  We hadn't been there before and it was nice to go and see.  I was able to spend some time alone in the car with my ipod and some songs that have helped me through this year.  I went to the bookstore and got a book that I have been wanting for a while.  It is called I Will Carry You by Angie Smith.  You can read her blog here.  I find her story and faith so inspiring!  I also went and got some brown and blue balloons.  My good friend came over and took some pictures of our family with the balloons that we sent up to Ethan in heaven.  Glade and Addison don't quite understand who baby Ethan is, but they know he is in heaven and we sent him some balloons for his birthday.  I made a slideshow of the pictures.  Make sure you go to the bottom of the blog and turn off the music so you can hear the slideshow music.

One Year...

One year ago today we learned of Ethan's death.  Tomorrow is Ethan's birthday.  I want to celebrate and remember.  I can't get my thoughts together so I am working on a post for tomorrow.  Please say some prayers for peace for me especially.  I have dreaded this date for weeks now and now that it's here I can't put into words what it means to me.