Worry

Worry. That's what I've spent today doing. Worrying about things that I have no say in and things that are beyond my control. I get so worked up worrying about all the what ifs. What if we don't get pregnant again? What if something is wrong with the next baby?
I think it all stems from someone telling me that if the next cycle doesn't work then I should learn to be content with what I have. I know that I am blessed. I have two beautiful children who make me laugh everyday. Sometimes I may take that for granted and see only the fact that I was pregnant, and now my baby is dead. But that doesn't happen very often. You can't forget about two 2 year olds for long! I love them. I can't imagine my life without them. I am so glad God put them in our lives. But I can't shake the desire to have more.
I just need to trust and pray. I do a lot of praying these days. There is no doubt God knows what I want.

Light in the tunnel...

Our appointment yesterday was good. Since the last time we were there the office has stopped giving validation for parking. See, we used to be able to pull up to the valet and let them park our car and then get a pass for free parking...not anymore. So, we had to pay to park...or so we thought. Some good friends told us about a parking lot across that street that was cheaper than the valet. We took their advice and parked there and parked for FREE! It's the little things in life that are so exciting. I guess when we are faced with more medical bills than we expected, free parking is such a blessing!

Anyway...so the appt. was supposed to be at 4:30. At 5:00 we began to wonder if Dr. Putman was even there. It seems our luck to always have to wait on him. I think it was around 5:10 that we finally got see him. He was super nice and told us he could recommend some couselors. He said our embryos won't age so we could take our time and let him know when we were ready. We all know my answer to that...NOW! So, while he may be a little shocked, we have a plan. I go back in two weeks. He will do a sonogram, check everything out and we will get started. I do have to say I was disappointed to hear the wait. But, I have to say two weeks is better than two months. I have waited a lot longer...it took almost three years to get to this point so we could even start the IVF stuff. So, in the grand scheme of things two weeks is not that bad! I still was just hoping for "okay, here's your calendar of what to do, here's your meds let's get started."
The best part of the appt...there was NO CHARGE! Usually when we go see Dr. Putman we don't leave without spending almost $100. Today was free! Again it's the little things.

Thank you God, for again giving me hope! Hope for the future. Hope for my dream of more children. Thank you for allowing things to work out. Help to continue to look to you and to listen for your plans. Help to never forget this time and the impact that Ethan had on our lives and the lives of others. Help me to live so that you will be glorified, even in the storms of life.

Prayers for today

Today we have an appointment with Fertility Specialist. My prayer is that he is okay with starting another cycle and not waiting. I know that whatever he says will give us our best chances. I will do whatever he thinks is best, but I am praying so hard that we can just get started and get going on another baby or two. (Yes, I would be HAPPY if we got twins from this cycle)

Some scriptures that I am trying to focus on today and the weeks to come as we journey this road.

Jeremiah 29:11- from The Message
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

2 Corinthians 12:9
My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift.

Please pray for us today. Pray that God will show us what he wants for our next steps to be. Pray that we will be open to listen and look for His plan and not let what we want to get in the way.

Leah

Feeling down and not liking it!

I had a pretty good today, but I have just felt down all day. Yesterday was a hard day. It was Sunday and it's hard to be around everyone at church. It's hard because it just makes me think about Ethan more. It makes me think about all the things God is doing for me and it makes me cry. It's also hard because life keeps going even when my world has fallen apart. It's hard because we are in a class with young families who are still having kids. With every birth and every pregnancy announcement it's like someone just hit me in the stomach. I hate feeling that way. It's not that I am upset with the people who are pregnant, it's that I'm so angry it's not me. I'm frustrated that we have had to spend almost $30,000 to have a family. I am sad that we can't just do things the natural way. I'm sad that we can't just decide we want to have another baby and get to it. Our process has to involve medicine, shots and a really expensive doctor. I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself. Please know that if you are one of those people who is making that announcement that I am happy and excited for you. I am praying that you never have to experience what I have been through the last 3 weeks. Please know that you did not cause this sadness and PLEASE do not apologize to me. It's not your fault that I have been through what I have been through.
I know this is something that I have to deal with. Most of the time I can deal with it. I think I am just still so broken from losing Ethan. I know that I am supposed to consider it joy when I face trials because it means the strengthening of my faith, but it is so hard. To be really honest, I am not at the point of considering this joy. At this point, I don't know that I will. I am hopeful! I am trusting that God will use this to his glory. But right now, in this moment, I am hurting! It's a hurt that takes my breath away. A hurt that nothing will help. There's no medicine to cure it. There's no words that make it better. I know that it will get easier with time...at least that is what others have told me. I am just so tired of feeling so down.
So I guess for today, I am praying for joy. I am praying for God to show me the good in this situation and I am praying for me to get to make my announcement again soon.

Thank you!

I know I have said before how thankful I am for all the cards, emails, hugs and such. It really amazes me how many people are praying for us.
There is one person who means so much to me and has been such a HUGE support during all of this.
Tim, you mean the world to me and I couldn't have made it without you. You have taken on so much the last few weeks. All the while experiencing grief and sadness of your own. Thank you for being a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for your words of encouragement. Thank you for just being there to listen when I am so frustrated and angry. Thank you for the prayers you pray for our family. Thank you for knowing when I am feeling down before I even say anything. Thank you for all the little things you do to make me feel better. Thank you for giving me reassurance sometimes several times a day, even when I just heard it five minutes ago. Thank you for being willing to drop everything at any minute if I need you. You amaze me everyday with your faith and strength. I am so glad you are with me through this. I am grateful that our children get to see your faith and I pray that one day they will have a faith just as strong as yours.
I am amazed at how this has brought us so much closer together and to God. I pray that we will continue to look to each other and to God. I love you so much! I look forward to what God has in store for our future.

Praise you in this storm

Over the last few weeks I have been finding comfort in music. One song really gives me comfort these days and that Praise you in this storm by Casting Crowns. I cry everytime I hear it. Here are the words to the chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

My heart is torn. Part of me is gone and I'll never get it back. It's comforting to hear the words in the song that He holds every tear in his hand. At this moment he has enough to probably make a lake! I know that God is here, I know He is holding me up right now. Anyway, that's just what gives me comfort at the moment.