Feeling Blah

I hate that most of what I post here is me feeling sorry for myself, but I guess that is why I do it. So I can get my feelings out and work through them.  Today I am sad, and I really don't know what started it.  There have been lots of little things lately that remind me this time last year I was pregnant.  The day we got the blood test back.  The first sonogram when we found out we had one baby.  The fact that I didn't have summer clothes because most of last summer I was in maternity clothes. Which also reminds me of how much weight I have gained since losing Ethan.  When I start feeling sad and feeling sorry for myself because I want something I can't have, I go to Sonic.  There is something about a large Coke from Sonic that makes things better.  But, it also adds inches to my waist.  I think I am just frustrated at my lack of motivation to make a change.  I have really been trying to get to the gym 3 times a week.  I have only been once this week.  I want to get up early and get stuff done before the kids wake up, but instead I push the snooze button and wake up when they wake up.  I would love for my house to stay picked up and look presentable, but I just can't seem to keep up with it.  I will be the first to admit that I am lazy.  I choose to do other things...like watch a movie when the kids are napping instead of getting the laundry or cleaning done.  All the clutter and mess in our house makes me feel out of control.  I am a bit overwhelmed with it all because I am trying to balance being a good mom and playing with the kids and getting the things I need to do done during the day on top of being a preschool teacher and having stuff to do for that as well.
I'm sure this is something that all mom's deal with, but I sure wish I could get it under control.  
The devotional email I got today was titled When God Hurts Your Feelings.  This was the scripture that went with it..."I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:12-13 (NIV)
Why is it so hard to just be content?  Why do I have to keep asking God why?  Why did Ethan have to die?  Why can't I get pregnant again?  Why does it seem everyone else can?  All the whys that flood my mind and cause me pain.  In the email the author says instead of asking why ask what...so "Now that is my reality what am I supposed to do with it?"   I guess I am still trying to figure out what to do with this reality.  I am not ready to give up on having more kids.  But we don't have the money to do more fertility treatments or adopt.  I think I need to learn how to handle the clutter and junk in my life before I will find the answer.  I just wish I knew how to do that.

So today I am blah, I NEED to clean up the clutter and junk-literally and the junk in my head that keeps coming back to make me question- but I just lack the motivation. 

I am praying to find some motivation to be a better manager of my house and my life.  I want to have control of the clutter and mess because if I don't it controls me and I don't like how that is working.  I am praying to make better choices with what I eat so that I can lose this weight and feel better about myself.  It is an ongoing struggle and would love your prayers too!