This is so hard

I sit here crying as I am sorting through all the baby clothes that I kept in hopes of using them again.  I kept everything!  I decided it was time to sell some of the things I was holding on to, because honestly...will I ever use them again?  And if we do have another baby will these clothes still be "in style"?  I got to the box that had the outfits the kids wore in our first Christmas card pictures and had to leave the room!  I am keeping those.  It just breaks my heart going through all this.  It is still my prayer that God will give us a miracle.  I really have to work on my faith though because even as I type that I think..."but I'm not holding my breath"  I just have to remember to "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14 (NLT)

Happy Birthday Ethan

I have dreaded this day for a year now.  I can't believe it has been a year, but then again it seems like so much longer.  A year ago I wasn't sure how I would go on.  It hurt so bad.  It still hurts and I still ache to hold my precious baby.  To kiss his sweet baby head and smell that baby smell.  This last year I have cried a lot, prayed a lot and learned a lot.  My fear today is that as time goes on we will move on and Ethan will be just a distant memory, a little bump in our life.  I want him to be much more than that.  As I thought about what we could do to celebrate and remember our baby nothing seemed good enough.  I looked at what other's have done and got some good ideas: make a bear at Build-a-Bear, plant a tree, make cupcakes, release balloons, make a memorial garden...while all of  them would help us celebrate Ethan, I feel they just won't measure up.  This is a day I want us to remember forever.  Ethan's Day.  I know as the kids get older and life gets busy we might want to overlook it, but my prayer is that we can use this day to celebrate our family and celebrate a life that was not long enough.  Today I remember a precious a baby that was prayed for years ago.  I thank God for what He has taught me this year and what I still need to learn.  My heart is hurting today, but I am thankful.  Thankful for the opportunity to be Ethan's mom.  Thankful for wonderful friends and family who hurt with me today.  Thankful for sweet friends who know chocolate makes it a little better.  Thankful for a husband who understands my tears and holds me while I cry.
Today has been a good day.  Tim and I went to the hospital to visit the Memorial Garden where Ethan's ashes were spread.  We hadn't been there before and it was nice to go and see.  I was able to spend some time alone in the car with my ipod and some songs that have helped me through this year.  I went to the bookstore and got a book that I have been wanting for a while.  It is called I Will Carry You by Angie Smith.  You can read her blog here.  I find her story and faith so inspiring!  I also went and got some brown and blue balloons.  My good friend came over and took some pictures of our family with the balloons that we sent up to Ethan in heaven.  Glade and Addison don't quite understand who baby Ethan is, but they know he is in heaven and we sent him some balloons for his birthday.  I made a slideshow of the pictures.  Make sure you go to the bottom of the blog and turn off the music so you can hear the slideshow music.

One Year...

One year ago today we learned of Ethan's death.  Tomorrow is Ethan's birthday.  I want to celebrate and remember.  I can't get my thoughts together so I am working on a post for tomorrow.  Please say some prayers for peace for me especially.  I have dreaded this date for weeks now and now that it's here I can't put into words what it means to me.