The last few weeks have been full of ups and downs for me. I have felt God tugging at my heart in ways I think I have been ignoring for a while. Since losing Ethan the desire of my heart has been to not give up and to pursue other ways of adding to our family. I have been thinking of adoption a lot lately. It is something Tim and I have talked a lot about, but have not really made any decisions. I am struggling with what is best for our family. There are so many questions to answer when you start thinking about adoption. Our biggest hurdle is the financing. Adoption is expensive. I really think if there wasn't the money issue we would have already made the next step regarding adoption. So, with all that said. I really feel God telling me to let go. As hard as that is and as much as I want to have another baby, I am beginning to see that maybe that is not what is best for our family. I saw something on an infertility site that really struck me. It said "focusing on what you don't have makes you forget everything that you do." I must admit that I have at times focused on the fact that I can't get pregnant or that I don't have baby and have lost sight of the what I do have. A wonderful husband and two beautiful children. A circle of friends and family who love me and want to help in anyway they can.
I am asking that you pray for me and finding peace with whatever God is calling me to do. I would love for God to open some doors regarding adoption and the financing of it all. I am just praying that I can be open to what God is trying to tell me and that I won't let my desires get in the way.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
Five Question Friday
So, to make this blog not quite so depressing all the time I am joining the bandwagon...Thanks Kristina for getting me hooked on the questions from Mama M. I will try hard to keep up with them every Friday!
So here they are:
1. If you could, would you go back to high school?
2. If a genie appeared and granted you two wishes, what would they be? (And, no saying "more wishes".)
3. What kids show do you secretly like?
4. What is your beverage of choice?
5. What is something that you would change about yourself (or are working to change in yourself)?
1. No, I would not go back to highschool. Too much drama and bad choices that carried on for several years...you probably guessed right. It was a stupid boy! I don't want to go back and change it because I am who I am today because of it, but I really don't want to have to go through it all again!
2. Oh, genie. How much time do you have? My first wish would be for me and all my infertile friends to become fertile. I would wish for all of us to be able to have precious babies normally without spending a fortune!
My second wish would be for financial peace and security. It seems those worries never go away no matter how hard we work at it. So my wish would be that we could have a fully funded emergency fund...thank you Dave Ramsey, and that we would be completely out of debt...no mortgage, school loans, NOTHING!
3. I can definitely tell you what kids show I am sick and tired of watching! I have seen enough Calliou and Berenstein Bears for quite a while now! I guess I don't mind any of the disney movies and I'm really looking forward to Toy Story 3 this summer. As far as TV shows though, there's not one that just grabs me. Maybe when the kids get older and watch something other than Sprout I will find something I like!
4. I wish I could tell you I choose water because it is healthy and I want to make sure I am getting my eight glasses a day, but that wouldn't be the truth. I am completely and utterly addicted to Coke. I have really been trying hard to cut back and think I have done pretty good and I am drinking Diet Coke some too, which I know is just as bad, but at least it doesn't have all the sugar and calories of the real stuff!
5. Wow, to sit down and think of one thing is hard! I truly want to change my eating habits. I am as noted in question 4 a coke-aholic! I really want to make some better choices with nutrition for me and my family. I need to lose weight. But I can't seem to be motivated enough to do it. So I am working on changing that part of me and I am struggling. Food is just too good to pass up!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Feeling Blah
I hate that most of what I post here is me feeling sorry for myself, but I guess that is why I do it. So I can get my feelings out and work through them. Today I am sad, and I really don't know what started it. There have been lots of little things lately that remind me this time last year I was pregnant. The day we got the blood test back. The first sonogram when we found out we had one baby. The fact that I didn't have summer clothes because most of last summer I was in maternity clothes. Which also reminds me of how much weight I have gained since losing Ethan. When I start feeling sad and feeling sorry for myself because I want something I can't have, I go to Sonic. There is something about a large Coke from Sonic that makes things better. But, it also adds inches to my waist. I think I am just frustrated at my lack of motivation to make a change. I have really been trying to get to the gym 3 times a week. I have only been once this week. I want to get up early and get stuff done before the kids wake up, but instead I push the snooze button and wake up when they wake up. I would love for my house to stay picked up and look presentable, but I just can't seem to keep up with it. I will be the first to admit that I am lazy. I choose to do other things...like watch a movie when the kids are napping instead of getting the laundry or cleaning done. All the clutter and mess in our house makes me feel out of control. I am a bit overwhelmed with it all because I am trying to balance being a good mom and playing with the kids and getting the things I need to do done during the day on top of being a preschool teacher and having stuff to do for that as well.
I'm sure this is something that all mom's deal with, but I sure wish I could get it under control.
The devotional email I got today was titled When God Hurts Your Feelings. This was the scripture that went with it..."I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:12-13 (NIV)
Why is it so hard to just be content? Why do I have to keep asking God why? Why did Ethan have to die? Why can't I get pregnant again? Why does it seem everyone else can? All the whys that flood my mind and cause me pain. In the email the author says instead of asking why ask what...so "Now that is my reality what am I supposed to do with it?" I guess I am still trying to figure out what to do with this reality. I am not ready to give up on having more kids. But we don't have the money to do more fertility treatments or adopt. I think I need to learn how to handle the clutter and junk in my life before I will find the answer. I just wish I knew how to do that.
So today I am blah, I NEED to clean up the clutter and junk-literally and the junk in my head that keeps coming back to make me question- but I just lack the motivation.
I am praying to find some motivation to be a better manager of my house and my life. I want to have control of the clutter and mess because if I don't it controls me and I don't like how that is working. I am praying to make better choices with what I eat so that I can lose this weight and feel better about myself. It is an ongoing struggle and would love your prayers too!
I'm sure this is something that all mom's deal with, but I sure wish I could get it under control.
The devotional email I got today was titled When God Hurts Your Feelings. This was the scripture that went with it..."I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:12-13 (NIV)
Why is it so hard to just be content? Why do I have to keep asking God why? Why did Ethan have to die? Why can't I get pregnant again? Why does it seem everyone else can? All the whys that flood my mind and cause me pain. In the email the author says instead of asking why ask what...so "Now that is my reality what am I supposed to do with it?" I guess I am still trying to figure out what to do with this reality. I am not ready to give up on having more kids. But we don't have the money to do more fertility treatments or adopt. I think I need to learn how to handle the clutter and junk in my life before I will find the answer. I just wish I knew how to do that.
So today I am blah, I NEED to clean up the clutter and junk-literally and the junk in my head that keeps coming back to make me question- but I just lack the motivation.
I am praying to find some motivation to be a better manager of my house and my life. I want to have control of the clutter and mess because if I don't it controls me and I don't like how that is working. I am praying to make better choices with what I eat so that I can lose this weight and feel better about myself. It is an ongoing struggle and would love your prayers too!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Prayers for Judy
As many of you know I teach a Pre-K class at our church preschool. I have a little girl in my class who's mother is fighting her fourth round of cancer. She is very discouraged and has lost all hope in God. Please join me in praying for Judy and her family. While I am praying for her healing, I am praying more for her relationship with God and the impact that the lack of one will have on her daughter.
You can visit her carepage here.
You can visit her carepage here.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tired of Waiting on God
Tired of Waiting on God
24 Mar 2010
Tracie Miles
"Isaac was sixty years old when Rebekah gave birth to them." Genesis 25:26a (NIV)
Do you ever get tired of waiting on God to answer your prayers? Recently, I began to feel a sense of frustration with the wait, and also a little bit tired.
Tired of saying the same old prayer day after day, month after month, year after year. Tired of telling God about the same old problems that were still going on. Tired of hearing myself pray about the same old problems, leading me to wonder if God was as tired of hearing my prayer requests as I was of praying them.
So I bowed my head and admitted to God that I was simply tired of the wait.
In a heavy state of emotional tiredness, I turned to the crisp, white pages of my Bible. I was hoping God would il luminate a few verses that would jump out of the book and straight into my heart.
I began reading about when Isaac's wife Rebekah gave birth to twin sons. One particular sentence caught my eye and I went back to read it again and again. My heart leapt as I realized God was using this one little sentence to speak hope into my spirit. He used His spiritual highlighter just as I had wanted.
Genesis 25:26 tells us that Isaac was sixty years old when his twins were born; a simple Bible fact, yet profoundly meaningful to me on this specific day. You see, Isaac had been patient for the Lord to provide the perfect wife; he was forty years old when he married Rebekah. If you do the math you realize Isaac waited twenty years for Rebekah to bear him children! He could have chosen a concubine to bear him a son. But he was a man of great patience who waited on God. Eventually his patient faith was rewarded.
Isaac never gave up hope that his Lord could make the impossible, poss ible. He had learned that his Lord would provide. So he continued to pray the same desperate prayer for a son, day after day, month after month, year after year. In fact, we learn in Genesis 25:21 that "Isaac pleaded with the Lord" (NLT), meaning he earnestly and strongly prayed about his problem. He did not half-heartedly ask God for a son, he pleaded! He begged. He poured his heart out.
I can envision Isaac passionately pleading to God throughout those twenty years, with out-stretched arms and a tear-stained face pressed against the hot, dirty soil, begging God to answer his prayer.
Isaac was surely tired of the wait, but he never stopped praying or believing that his dreams could come true. And in God's perfect timing, they did.
If you are tired of the wait, you may be pleading to God just like Isaac. It may take twenty years for God to answer our prayers, or it may only take twenty minutes. But today, let us find comfort in remembering Isaac's patient faith an d take hope in believing that God is not tired of hearing our prayers. Instead, He is simply waiting for the perfect time to answer.
I have been struggling with what to pray. Feeling selfish for wanting more children when I have good friends who don't have any. There is an emptiness in me that I am longing to fill. Sometimes I feel so guilty for wanting another child. Why am I not just satisfied with the two that God gave me? Truth is, I am satisfied and I will be the best mom I can be to my two children. I am still grieving for the child that I lost. I am grieving that I can't hold him, feed him and rock him. He was taken away and I am not okay with that and wonder if I ever will be.
The devotional for today came at a perfect time. Not just for me but hopefully for others who are praying the same desperate prayers that Isaac prayed. I feel better knowing that I can still pray my fervent prayer for more children and confident that God will give me an answer one day. Granted it may not be the answer I was hoping for, but I know that if God's answer is no He will give me peace and comfort to understand and cope.
24 Mar 2010
Tracie Miles
"Isaac was sixty years old when Rebekah gave birth to them." Genesis 25:26a (NIV)
Do you ever get tired of waiting on God to answer your prayers? Recently, I began to feel a sense of frustration with the wait, and also a little bit tired.
Tired of saying the same old prayer day after day, month after month, year after year. Tired of telling God about the same old problems that were still going on. Tired of hearing myself pray about the same old problems, leading me to wonder if God was as tired of hearing my prayer requests as I was of praying them.
So I bowed my head and admitted to God that I was simply tired of the wait.
In a heavy state of emotional tiredness, I turned to the crisp, white pages of my Bible. I was hoping God would il luminate a few verses that would jump out of the book and straight into my heart.
I began reading about when Isaac's wife Rebekah gave birth to twin sons. One particular sentence caught my eye and I went back to read it again and again. My heart leapt as I realized God was using this one little sentence to speak hope into my spirit. He used His spiritual highlighter just as I had wanted.
Genesis 25:26 tells us that Isaac was sixty years old when his twins were born; a simple Bible fact, yet profoundly meaningful to me on this specific day. You see, Isaac had been patient for the Lord to provide the perfect wife; he was forty years old when he married Rebekah. If you do the math you realize Isaac waited twenty years for Rebekah to bear him children! He could have chosen a concubine to bear him a son. But he was a man of great patience who waited on God. Eventually his patient faith was rewarded.
Isaac never gave up hope that his Lord could make the impossible, poss ible. He had learned that his Lord would provide. So he continued to pray the same desperate prayer for a son, day after day, month after month, year after year. In fact, we learn in Genesis 25:21 that "Isaac pleaded with the Lord" (NLT), meaning he earnestly and strongly prayed about his problem. He did not half-heartedly ask God for a son, he pleaded! He begged. He poured his heart out.
I can envision Isaac passionately pleading to God throughout those twenty years, with out-stretched arms and a tear-stained face pressed against the hot, dirty soil, begging God to answer his prayer.
Isaac was surely tired of the wait, but he never stopped praying or believing that his dreams could come true. And in God's perfect timing, they did.
If you are tired of the wait, you may be pleading to God just like Isaac. It may take twenty years for God to answer our prayers, or it may only take twenty minutes. But today, let us find comfort in remembering Isaac's patient faith an d take hope in believing that God is not tired of hearing our prayers. Instead, He is simply waiting for the perfect time to answer.
I have been struggling with what to pray. Feeling selfish for wanting more children when I have good friends who don't have any. There is an emptiness in me that I am longing to fill. Sometimes I feel so guilty for wanting another child. Why am I not just satisfied with the two that God gave me? Truth is, I am satisfied and I will be the best mom I can be to my two children. I am still grieving for the child that I lost. I am grieving that I can't hold him, feed him and rock him. He was taken away and I am not okay with that and wonder if I ever will be.
The devotional for today came at a perfect time. Not just for me but hopefully for others who are praying the same desperate prayers that Isaac prayed. I feel better knowing that I can still pray my fervent prayer for more children and confident that God will give me an answer one day. Granted it may not be the answer I was hoping for, but I know that if God's answer is no He will give me peace and comfort to understand and cope.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Retreat with Jesus
Here is today's devotional. I thought it really touched what I have been convicted with lately. I know I need to spend time with Jesus daily, but I let the stuff around the house come first. I am really making a valiant effort to read from the Bible each day and spend some quality time in prayer.
Retreat with Jesus
3 Mar 2010
Amy Carroll
"Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things." Psalm 107:8-9 (NIV)
When a new neighbor moved in next door, Caroline rallied the troops in her neighborhood to prepare a warm greeting. She and her friend planned a feast to take over to welcome the newcomer to their community. Caroline called her new neighbor and was surprised when her hospitality was met with suspicion.
"Why did you say that you wanted to bring me dinner?" the new neighbor questioned. Caroline explained that it was a tradition in their area and that they'd like to deliver dinner to welcome her personally. The neighbor responded, "I tell you what. I'll give you a call when I'm h ungry." Click.
Caroline reflected on how many times we treat God the same way that her new neighbor treated her. Each day God lays out a feast and invites every believer to come eat our fill. I had to ask myself an important question: How many days do I rush by God's table and throw an "I'll come when I'm hungry!" back over my shoulder?
I think I'm full, but God knows that I'm simply ignoring my hunger. I need to sit down daily to eat and be filled from God's table. Luke 1:53 says, "He has filled the hungry with good things but has sent the rich away empty" (NIV).
I long to have a heart to approach Him daily just as I am—poor and hungry. He invites me to come to Him so that I can leave rich and full. What a glorious exchange! What a divine pleasure!
Daily time enjoying God is essential, but sometimes God gives us an invitation to a private, extended feast. I am envious of one of my pastors. He takes a week each year for a spiritual retreat to a monastery . He goes where it's quiet and simple and spends a week with Jesus. Maybe someday when my children are older and I'm caught up on laundry I'll be able to do that, but recently God led me to do something equally wonderful on a smaller scale. I took a spiritual retreat during the school day in a room at my church.
As I walked up the stairs to the empty room, I felt nervous. I had spent hours in prayer with others, but I had never spent this long alone with God. Would I have enough to say to Him? Would He speak to me in the silence? Would the minutes drag by? Would I walk out unchanged or disappointed?
At the end of the day, my questions were answered. God met me there. We filled our time together with prayer, Bible reading and worship. God spoke words of direction to me in the silence. I came in knowing that I was hungry, and He was faithful to fill me.
Having mini-retreats with Jesus is something that I plan to do now at least twice a year. In the midst of a fu ll life, it's necessary to intentionally set extended time aside to seek His face and worship Him. I'll still look forward to a week in an abbey, but in the meantime I'll bask in a school day retreat as I renew my relationship with God and feast on His goodness
I was inspired over the weekend to reflect on the life of my Grandmother and what a servant she was. I also had the chance to listen to a beautiful memorial for a sweet young mother. She went to ACU at the same time as I did. I was inspired to focus on my life as a child of God and not to focus on what I don't have or what God has told me no to.
You can listen to the memorial for Jenny Bizaillion here.
Matthew 5:6, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled."
Retreat with Jesus
3 Mar 2010
Amy Carroll
"Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things." Psalm 107:8-9 (NIV)
When a new neighbor moved in next door, Caroline rallied the troops in her neighborhood to prepare a warm greeting. She and her friend planned a feast to take over to welcome the newcomer to their community. Caroline called her new neighbor and was surprised when her hospitality was met with suspicion.
"Why did you say that you wanted to bring me dinner?" the new neighbor questioned. Caroline explained that it was a tradition in their area and that they'd like to deliver dinner to welcome her personally. The neighbor responded, "I tell you what. I'll give you a call when I'm h ungry." Click.
Caroline reflected on how many times we treat God the same way that her new neighbor treated her. Each day God lays out a feast and invites every believer to come eat our fill. I had to ask myself an important question: How many days do I rush by God's table and throw an "I'll come when I'm hungry!" back over my shoulder?
I think I'm full, but God knows that I'm simply ignoring my hunger. I need to sit down daily to eat and be filled from God's table. Luke 1:53 says, "He has filled the hungry with good things but has sent the rich away empty" (NIV).
I long to have a heart to approach Him daily just as I am—poor and hungry. He invites me to come to Him so that I can leave rich and full. What a glorious exchange! What a divine pleasure!
Daily time enjoying God is essential, but sometimes God gives us an invitation to a private, extended feast. I am envious of one of my pastors. He takes a week each year for a spiritual retreat to a monastery . He goes where it's quiet and simple and spends a week with Jesus. Maybe someday when my children are older and I'm caught up on laundry I'll be able to do that, but recently God led me to do something equally wonderful on a smaller scale. I took a spiritual retreat during the school day in a room at my church.
As I walked up the stairs to the empty room, I felt nervous. I had spent hours in prayer with others, but I had never spent this long alone with God. Would I have enough to say to Him? Would He speak to me in the silence? Would the minutes drag by? Would I walk out unchanged or disappointed?
At the end of the day, my questions were answered. God met me there. We filled our time together with prayer, Bible reading and worship. God spoke words of direction to me in the silence. I came in knowing that I was hungry, and He was faithful to fill me.
Having mini-retreats with Jesus is something that I plan to do now at least twice a year. In the midst of a fu ll life, it's necessary to intentionally set extended time aside to seek His face and worship Him. I'll still look forward to a week in an abbey, but in the meantime I'll bask in a school day retreat as I renew my relationship with God and feast on His goodness
I was inspired over the weekend to reflect on the life of my Grandmother and what a servant she was. I also had the chance to listen to a beautiful memorial for a sweet young mother. She went to ACU at the same time as I did. I was inspired to focus on my life as a child of God and not to focus on what I don't have or what God has told me no to.
You can listen to the memorial for Jenny Bizaillion here.
Matthew 5:6, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled."
Monday, March 1, 2010
Redneck Country
This past weekend we traveled to Southeast Texas, for my Grandmother's funeral. It's always so much fun to come back and remember all the good times we had living there. My sister and I laugh at how "redneck" everything is. Here are some of the observations we had this weekend...
We had a great time sharing old memories of our days living there. We all have so many good memories of being with Granny and Grandaddy. The resounding one that we all thought of was Sunday lunch at Granny and Grandaddy's house. We would always have roast, rice and gravy, green beans and corn. So in honor of Granny we will be having just that this Sunday after church.
- Only here would you see a blue/purple lincoln town car with a long horn skull hood ornament. No kidding, we saw it, I just didn't have the camera.
- I think the last "old time" Walmart is in Vidor Texas. Seriously who knew that Walmart wasn't open 24 hours and wasn't a SuperCenter?
- I'm sure if we went to certain areas of the big city we would find someone with a big, nut and bolt in their ear, but we saw it at Walmart of all places, again I wish I had my camera, that one for sure would have made it on the people of walmart website.
- It's only in a small town when you check into a hotel and bring your little brown sack with your open can of beer at 4 in the afternoon!
- Apparently McDonald's is the only place to go in Vidor on a Saturday afternoon for lunch. My sister and I saw it all while letting the kids play and release some energy. We heard a lady on her cell phone say she almost punched another lady in the face...that's the nice version...we got the ear full. She then had to carry her screaming child out of the play area so she could have a smoke. Then there was the other screaming child who was carried out screaming at the top of his lungs "I don't want to go to wal-mart!" My sister and I could not hold in the laughter. So, to the mother of that child, we are so sorry for laughing. After that incident, another local said "You gotta love this town." We laughed even harder! It gets worse. There was the couple with two kids who came in fighting. Yes, they were arguing in words I hadn't heard in a while. The male of the couple proceeded to mumble more words while playing the video games. The female of the pair was getting the food out for the kids. The younger child, while bigger than Glade and Addison was sitting in a highchair. She grabbed a french fry at which point the male stopped playing the video came over took the french fry and told the little girl to say grace. The little girl folded her hands mumbled a few words and then ate the french fry. The male then left to have a smoke.
We had a great time sharing old memories of our days living there. We all have so many good memories of being with Granny and Grandaddy. The resounding one that we all thought of was Sunday lunch at Granny and Grandaddy's house. We would always have roast, rice and gravy, green beans and corn. So in honor of Granny we will be having just that this Sunday after church.
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