Tired of Waiting on God

Tired of Waiting on God

24 Mar 2010
Tracie Miles


"Isaac was sixty years old when Rebekah gave birth to them." Genesis 25:26a (NIV)
Do you ever get tired of waiting on God to answer your prayers? Recently, I began to feel a sense of frustration with the wait, and also a little bit tired.
Tired of saying the same old prayer day after day, month after month, year after year. Tired of telling God about the same old problems that were still going on. Tired of hearing myself pray about the same old problems, leading me to wonder if God was as tired of hearing my prayer requests as I was of praying them.
So I bowed my head and admitted to God that I was simply tired of the wait.
In a heavy state of emotional tiredness, I turned to the crisp, white pages of my Bible. I was hoping God would il luminate a few verses that would jump out of the book and straight into my heart.
I began reading about when Isaac's wife Rebekah gave birth to twin sons. One particular sentence caught my eye and I went back to read it again and again. My heart leapt as I realized God was using this one little sentence to speak hope into my spirit. He used His spiritual highlighter just as I had wanted.
Genesis 25:26 tells us that Isaac was sixty years old when his twins were born; a simple Bible fact, yet profoundly meaningful to me on this specific day. You see, Isaac had been patient for the Lord to provide the perfect wife; he was forty years old when he married Rebekah. If you do the math you realize Isaac waited twenty years for Rebekah to bear him children! He could have chosen a concubine to bear him a son. But he was a man of great patience who waited on God. Eventually his patient faith was rewarded.
Isaac never gave up hope that his Lord could make the impossible, poss ible. He had learned that his Lord would provide. So he continued to pray the same desperate prayer for a son, day after day, month after month, year after year. In fact, we learn in Genesis 25:21 that "Isaac pleaded with the Lord" (NLT), meaning he earnestly and strongly prayed about his problem. He did not half-heartedly ask God for a son, he pleaded! He begged. He poured his heart out.
I can envision Isaac passionately pleading to God throughout those twenty years, with out-stretched arms and a tear-stained face pressed against the hot, dirty soil, begging God to answer his prayer.
Isaac was surely tired of the wait, but he never stopped praying or believing that his dreams could come true. And in God's perfect timing, they did.
If you are tired of the wait, you may be pleading to God just like Isaac. It may take twenty years for God to answer our prayers, or it may only take twenty minutes. But today, let us find comfort in remembering Isaac's patient faith an d take hope in believing that God is not tired of hearing our prayers. Instead, He is simply waiting for the perfect time to answer.

I have been struggling with what to pray.  Feeling selfish for wanting more children when I have good friends who don't have any.  There is an emptiness in me that I am longing to fill.  Sometimes I feel so guilty for wanting another child.  Why am I not just satisfied with the two that God gave me?  Truth is, I am satisfied and I will be the best mom I can be to my two children.  I am still grieving for the child that I lost.  I am grieving that I can't hold him, feed him and rock him.  He was taken away and I am not okay with that and wonder if I ever will be.
The devotional for today came at a perfect time.  Not just for me but hopefully for others who are praying the same desperate prayers that Isaac prayed.  I feel better knowing that I can still pray my fervent prayer for more children and confident that God will give me an answer one day.  Granted it may not be the answer I was hoping for, but I know that if God's answer is no He will give me peace and comfort to understand and cope.

Retreat with Jesus

Here is today's devotional.  I thought it really touched what I have been convicted with lately.  I know I need to spend time with Jesus daily, but I let the  stuff around the house come first.  I am really making a valiant effort to read from the Bible each day and spend some quality time in prayer. 

Retreat with Jesus

3 Mar 2010
Amy Carroll
"Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things." Psalm 107:8-9 (NIV)
When a new neighbor moved in next door, Caroline rallied the troops in her neighborhood to prepare a warm greeting. She and her friend planned a feast to take over to welcome the newcomer to their community. Caroline called her new neighbor and was surprised when her hospitality was met with suspicion.
"Why did you say that you wanted to bring me dinner?" the new neighbor questioned. Caroline explained that it was a tradition in their area and that they'd like to deliver dinner to welcome her personally. The neighbor responded, "I tell you what. I'll give you a call when I'm h ungry." Click.
Caroline reflected on how many times we treat God the same way that her new neighbor treated her. Each day God lays out a feast and invites every believer to come eat our fill. I had to ask myself an important question: How many days do I rush by God's table and throw an "I'll come when I'm hungry!" back over my shoulder?
I think I'm full, but God knows that I'm simply ignoring my hunger. I need to sit down daily to eat and be filled from God's table. Luke 1:53 says, "He has filled the hungry with good things but has sent the rich away empty" (NIV).
I long to have a heart to approach Him daily just as I am—poor and hungry. He invites me to come to Him so that I can leave rich and full. What a glorious exchange! What a divine pleasure!
Daily time enjoying God is essential, but sometimes God gives us an invitation to a private, extended feast. I am envious of one of my pastors. He takes a week each year for a spiritual retreat to a monastery . He goes where it's quiet and simple and spends a week with Jesus. Maybe someday when my children are older and I'm caught up on laundry I'll be able to do that, but recently God led me to do something equally wonderful on a smaller scale. I took a spiritual retreat during the school day in a room at my church.
As I walked up the stairs to the empty room, I felt nervous. I had spent hours in prayer with others, but I had never spent this long alone with God. Would I have enough to say to Him? Would He speak to me in the silence? Would the minutes drag by? Would I walk out unchanged or disappointed?
At the end of the day, my questions were answered. God met me there. We filled our time together with prayer, Bible reading and worship. God spoke words of direction to me in the silence. I came in knowing that I was hungry, and He was faithful to fill me.
Having mini-retreats with Jesus is something that I plan to do now at least twice a year. In the midst of a fu ll life, it's necessary to intentionally set extended time aside to seek His face and worship Him. I'll still look forward to a week in an abbey, but in the meantime I'll bask in a school day retreat as I renew my relationship with God and feast on His goodness

I was inspired over the weekend to reflect on the life of my Grandmother and what a servant she was.  I also had the chance to listen to a beautiful memorial for a sweet young mother.  She went to ACU at the same time as I did.  I was inspired to focus on my life as a child of God and not to focus on what I don't have or what God has told me no to.
You can listen to the memorial for Jenny Bizaillion here.

Matthew 5:6, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled."

Redneck Country

This past weekend we traveled to Southeast Texas, for my Grandmother's funeral. It's always so much fun to come back and remember all the good times we had living there. My sister and I laugh at how "redneck" everything is. Here are some of the observations we had this weekend...

• Only here would you see a blue/purple lincoln town car with a long horn skull hood ornament. No kidding, we saw it, I just didn't have the camera.
• I think the last "old time" Walmart is in Vidor Texas. Seriously who knew that Walmart wasn't open 24 hours and wasn't a SuperCenter?
• I'm sure if we went to certain areas of the big city we would find someone with a big, nut and bolt in their ear, but we saw it at Walmart of all places, again I wish I had my camera, that one for sure would have made it on the people of walmart website.
• It's only in a small town when you check into a hotel and bring your little brown sack with your open can of beer at 4 in the afternoon!
• Apparently McDonald's is the only place to go in Vidor on a Saturday afternoon for lunch. My sister and I saw it all while letting the kids play and release some energy. We heard a lady on her cell phone say she almost punched another lady in the face...that's the nice version...we got the ear full. She then had to carry her screaming child out of the play area so she could have a smoke. Then there was the other screaming child who was carried out screaming at the top of his lungs "I don't want to go to wal-mart!" My sister and I could not hold in the laughter. So, to the mother of that child, we are so sorry for laughing. After that incident, another local said "You gotta love this town." We laughed even harder! It gets worse. There was the couple with two kids who came in fighting. Yes, they were arguing in words I hadn't heard in a while. The male of the couple proceeded to mumble more words while playing the video games. The female of the pair was getting the food out for the kids. The younger child, while bigger than Glade and Addison was sitting in a highchair. She grabbed a french fry at which point the male stopped playing the video came over took the french fry and told the little girl to say grace. The little girl folded her hands mumbled a few words and then ate the french fry. The male then left to have a smoke.

Denise and I decided that the town doesn't need a movie theater, you can see it all at McDonald's! And to think we used to live there. It was different that long ago though...I just know it!

We had a great time sharing old memories of our days living there.  We all have so many good memories of being with Granny and Grandaddy.  The resounding one that we all thought of was Sunday lunch at Granny and Grandaddy's house.  We would always have roast, rice and gravy, green beans and corn.  So in honor of Granny we will be having just that this Sunday after church.

Faith vs. reality (or what I know as reality)

I know I have mentioned before that I don't want to do another IVF cycle, but I have really been struggling with the desire to be pregnant.  This week I have been hopeful...let me explain.  I haven't been feeling great, last week I had some ususual spotting that was too early to be a period, so that got me to thinking.  Maybe, just maybe I could get pregnant on my own.  There is one part of me that says "Don't hold your breath Leah."  Then there's another part of me who thinks back to something someone told me when we first found out the last cycle was unsuccessful.  A very good friend of mine said God is bigger than my uterus. 
So with all the things I have been feeling lately...I started to wonder.  So I bought a pregnancy test today and of course it was negative.  Tim really stresses that I need to think positive, but it's so hard to even comprehend that I could get pregnant without the help of a Dr. and lots of medication.  I know God could do it, I'm just having a hard time thinking that He will.  So I guess, how do you balance the two?  How do  I hold on to hope and have faith that God could make it happen but also keep my sanity when month after month it doesn't happen?  I think it would just be easier to know that it will never happen as opposed to always wondering, even just a little if maybe, just maybe this was the month.
So I find myself thinking about talking to the dr.  What if there was something we could try.  What if we tried chlomid for a few months?  What if there was some new drug that just might work if we only tried it?  But then I remember I just need to sit and wait.  God has big things in store, I just pray hard daily that He will bless us with more children.
So, I ask you to pray some specific things for me.
1.  Pray that God will give me peace and an understanding to know what to do...wait, pursue adoption, or see the doctor again and try some less expensive methods of conceiving.
2.  Pray that I can lose some weight, seems I have been slowly putting on the pounds since we lost Ethan.

What I needed to hear today

This is the devotional I got today. It is just what I needed to hear. Since doing my last post I have been in a funk, really wanting something that Lord is not ready to give me. Another child. So here I am in mess of emotions and I get a devotional about a mess. Thank you God for knowing what I need. Just to sit and wait.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness..." Romans 8:26 (NIV)
Have you ever been in a situation that seemed like such a mess you simply couldn't make sense of it? Like trying to straighten out a tangled necklace, you wonder how in heavens' name did all these knots get kinked and twisted and pulled so tight. And in the midst of trying to untangle a knot on one side you inadvertently form another on the other end.It's frustrating when this happens with a piece of jewelry. And it's even more frustrating when it happens in relationships.The other day I sat down to pray about a messy relationship and the knots were so consuming I couldn't even begin to make sense of it all. I didn't even know what to pray. I kept trying to think of wise words to offer up to the Lord that would surely unlock pieces and parts of this mess. But I was completely without a drop of insight. All I could see was a mess.So, that's all I prayed, "Lord, this is a mess."And then I just sat quietly and waited.And waited.And waited.All that waiting time makes a doing girl like me feel like my nerves are going to bust out of my skin and start yanking my limbs into action. So, with all my might, I made myself sit and say nothing at all except, "Lord, this is a mess." And you know what? It was really hard to sit there with no answers. No wise words to pray. My usually very verbal self couldn't express anything but, "Lord, this is a mess."I believe it's situations like this for which Romans 8:26-28 was written:In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (NIV).In our weakness we can't objectively search our mind and spirit. And often in our weakness we can't untangle our knots according to God's will. We are too intertwined in emotion and assumption. That's why sometimes it's best if we just simply sit quietly and let the Spirit do some groaning, untangling and working on our behalf.Like verse 28 says, there is good to come out of this. God is working and will work good out of this mess. Sometimes I think the only thing standing between our mess and His good work from it is our need to sit quietly. In the quiet beautiful things happen:• We calm down.• We create some white space between our harsh reaction and the way we'd want to react if we really thought things through first.• We can ask God to intervene with real wisdom instead of our assumptions.• God can show us where we need to change. We can't control the other person and parking our efforts toward trying will exhaust us. But we can let God help us change, which will create positive progress. (For more great things that can happen in the quiet, visit Lysa's blog linked below.)I can't help but notice that the first four letters of Messiah spell mess. We need Him. Only the Messiah can take our mess and turn it into a untangled message of hope, forgiveness, and ultimately love.

Things I've lost

At our last couseling session I was given an assignment. That assignment was to list all of the things that I feel I have lost. I have been thinking about this for a long time. Our session was at the end of December. I would find myself thinking during the day about things and make a mental note to put that on my list. I have been feeling so good the last few weeks that I just couldn't bring myself to actually sit down and write it out. Today at preschool we had the ministers come for our community helper. They taught a lesson on prayer and how sometimes God will just say no to a prayer we pray. That got me to thinking of all the prayers I have prayed the last few months and how God's answer was no. So I felt today was a good day to make the list and share it, or just write it out for my benefit.

I lost my son.

I lost an embryo...well 3 really but one had a good chance of making it.

I lost the chance to be pregnant ever again. Which is something that I am still trying to accept. i want to feel that again, I want to feel my baby growing inside me, but unless God works a miracle or we win the lottery I know it will not happen.

I lost the chance to see Glade and Addison interact with their little brother. I see them around other babies and how sweet they are with them and it makes my heart hurt.

I lost part of me. I will never be the same and sometimes it makes me angry.

I lost the ability to look at a newborn baby and not feel sad and think of Ethan.

I lost the ability to attend a baby shower. At least for the moment. I never got to have one for the twins and was looking forward to having one for Ethan.

I lost the ability to be excited when someone gets pregnant. I feel that I will always be sad and wish it was me. I am hoping that gets better with time.

I lost my faith in God. Maybe that isn't the right way to say it, but I am disappointed in Him. I prayed and asked God to fix it, to make it right, to give me a baby. His making it right was not what I expected. I am hoping to see some blessings beyond this time of my life. I know that God will do more than I can imagine, but I can't imagine losing my baby to be better than a whole lot. (if that makes sense...)

I lost time with my kids. I haven't been the best mom to them through all this and I feel horrible. All the times I could have picked them up but said no. All the times they wanted to play and I couldn't because I was too upset.

The counselor said that after I write the list I need to give it to God and let Him take it. So here you go God, it's all yours.

On another note...please pray for our family as we explore the possiblity of adopting. We can't actively pursue anything right now because it is too expensive, but we are praying for God to open some doors and help us add to our family.

Questions

I have lots of questions lately. It's funny to me how confident I can be sometimes and then just a few minutes later be filled with doubt. I am struggling to understand all that has happened in the last 6 months. I know that I may never have a full undertstanding. I know that God can do more than I could ever dream or imagine, but why couldn't that be to have a healthy pregnancy? Why did this not work for us? Why is God allowing so many others to have more children? I may never have any answers, but it sure would be nice for God to give me a little of His reasoning.
When I start feeling this way I can feel the panic rise and the urge to fix it comes. If I had my way I would be filling out adoption paperwork to get started with the adoption process. Unfortunately we don't have the money for adoption right now. We have to pay the bills for the fertility treatments we did this year.
I am praying that God will help us quickly pay off the debt so we can start saving and begin the process of adoption. I am praying that God will allow us to be a family for a sweet baby in need. I am praying that I can wait on God and listen for His direction.
My sister gave me a bible study about starting a Grand New Day. It is a study of Joy. I think it will really help me. The first lesson was all about listening for your wake up call from God. I think He has given me serveral wake up calls and I just pressed the snooze button. I liked how things were going. Well, I am awake now! Ready to see what Grand New Day God has in store...