2 months

It's been two months today since Ethan was born. It has truly been a roller coaster of emotions for me. This week is definitely one of the low points. Things just aren't going how I had planned or how I had hoped they would. I know that God is working things out for the good...but is it going to be what I am hoping for?
We got the genetic results on Ethan back. There is some genetic abnormalities. I don't understand a single bit of it. I know that he had a pericentric inversion of the x chromosome. The dr. mentioned something about the 11 and 22 chromosomes. So here's what I did get from my conversation with the dr today. There is a possiblity that either Tim or I are carriers of this type of abnormality. If so, there is a 50/50 chance it will happen again. Our dr. would like us to proceed with implanting our other two embryos. Then once they grow a little they will test them. His recommendation is to terminate if the genetics are abnormal. That is not our plan. God is bigger than a test and while there are still chances for the embryos to be affected, there are chances that they won't be or that it wouldn't be fatal as with Ethan.
I have set up a consultation with a genetics counselor. Hopefully she can help us to understand what happened and what the future risks might be. Tim and I are leaning towards testing us to see if we are carriers. If not, we get some peace of mind knowing it will most likely not happen again.
I am just really struggling lately. It seems as though things just go from bad to worse. When will things start to look up? When will I be able to feel some relief?
I need prayers. Prayers that I can trust God and know that he is doing what is best for me and our family. Prayers that I can still see the blessings even through all the yucky stuff that is happening because right now all I see is the hurt and anger.

Wait, Wait, Wait

That's what I got today. My surgery was scheduled for 11:15. At 11 the nurse came by and said the Dr. had called he was running late and would be there by 12:30. Well, 12:30 came and went. It was 2:00 before I got an IV and got back for surgery. I was fine with this waiting. It's getting me one step closer to getting pregnant again. Last week when I found out about this surgery I called wanting to know what the timeline was from here. I liked the answer I got. It just set us back a few weeks. Too good to be true I guess. The first thing I heard when I woke up this afternoon was IUD. I am devastated! Apparently there was more tissue than he expected and it was more attached than he expected, so he had to put in the IUD to help the uterus heal properly. The IUD will be in for 4 weeks. Then I will have to start the birthcontrol again.
Today I am mad. I am mad that I have to deal with this to begin with. I should be big and pregnant and getting uncomfortable. I am struggling with God. Why couldn't he just make this work out for me? Why? Why can't it just go the way I want it to? Would that be so hard considering all that we have been through lately. Tim was quick to remind me that I have to learn to live on God's time. I KNOW that. I just don't like it. I want to be pregnant. I want to move past this time in my life. I want things to be okay again. Because right now, I am not okay. I am hurting. It just seems like I get a glimmer of hope that things are going to be okay and then something else happens. I am longing for a day when I can wake up and feel happy, truly happy. I want to wake up and really feel that God is here. Maybe I am just not letting him in. I am too focused on my desire to "fix" this. I am too busy thinking about what God could have done for me I am not seeing all the things he is currently doing.
So, for today I am going to be a little angry. Tomorrow I will work on being optimistic and knowing that God is working to make things perfect for when we use our last two embryos. I have to remember it has only been two months and that most women have to wait at least three months before even thinking of trying again.
The genetic results are back. We played phone tag with the dr. regarding those today so hopefully tomorrow I can get some of those answers.
I am praying for God's peace tonight and that he can help me get through this. It is so hard! My faith is definitely being tested and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I don't feel strong enough to endure this. Some days I feel good, but then I have days like today. When I am angry with God for not fixing things the way I think they should be fixed. I need prayers and I need to figure out how to let God work without putting my demands on Him. Any suggestions?

Surgery on Tuesday

So the tissue was still in my uterus.  So I will go in on Tuesday to have it taken out.  I am so frustrated today.   I really wanted things to go just like I think they should.  But of course, we have another road block.  Things should be fine for next month, but I wanted it to be this month.  It's hard to explain why this is so upsetting to me other than I want to get pregnant and this is holding me back from that.  So, instead of enjoying the first week of preschool and getting to know the precious little ones in my class, I get to miss the first day!  I am trying to remain faithful.  I know God is working things out in the most perfect way, but I am still sad and frustrated...maybe a little angry that he can't just give me something...just a little something to let me know that things will turn out okay, that I will get the chance to have more children.  So, pray for us next week.  I pray that the tissue can be removed easily with no impact to my uterus and that things will be fine from here on out and we can proceed with the next step as soon as possible.

Prayers for today

I go the the dr. today.  I am praying for everything to be perfect...ready to get going.  BUT, I really think we will hit another road block.  Without going into too much detail...I am still bleeding.  I think it should have stopped already, but I'm not the doctor so I will see what he says today.  I am still faithful that God will let us know this is what we should do and moving forward will be the answer we get today.  If not, I will be sad, but I know we will get there eventually.

We are headed to Abilene this afternoon to celebrate my niece and nephews birthday.  I can't believe they are turning 11.  Where did the time go?

Please pray for us today.  Pray that I can handle whatever the doctor finds and that I will accept the plan we get today.

Plan B

Today was our first official day back at preschool. I had great plans of getting up early, fixing something for breakfast, getting dinner in the crockpot, and getting things together before I got the kids up. I was kinda excited...until the alarm went off at 6 this morning. My stomach was churning, my back was cramping, my head hurt. So I stayed in bed. Needless to say, I was a little late this morning. Better on a workday than the first day right? The kids didn't want to get up either! But, we made it!

I teach the four and five year olds. We are really trying to get the kids ready for Kindergarten and make the curriculum match the state guidelines for PreK, so the director had scheduled a meeting for us all to talk over a few things this morning. What do I do...start crying! I think it is just the combination of not feeling good and running late...forgetting stuff that I needed at home. It seems to only happen once a week now, so that's getting better! I just feel so helpless with this all. I hate that at any moment I could just start crying. I am so blessed to work with wonderful Christian women who care so much about me. I recovered and got some work done. But I am down today.

I know that I will have days like this. But I have so much to do and a small window of naptime to get them done!

I have been inspired by the Smith family. Todd Smith is a member of the group Selah. He and his wife lost their baby Audrey Caroline last year. They have a new song out called I Will Carry You. Makes me cry everytime I hear it. Their church has put together a Plan B series and on the videos they tell their story. Look for it on youtube, there are three parts to it. Anyway, I watched those today and while it made me cry even more, it did give me hope and inspiration. While I won't have millions of people reading my blog, like the Smiths, I do hope that I can tell our story and bring glory to God in honor of Ethan. I pray that one day our story will bring peace and comfort to someone else going through something similiar. Angie says on the video that God doesn't have a plan b. God knows what he is doing. I am just waiting on God to show me what to do with this and how this could be better than having my baby in my arms.
Every morning I pray that God will guide me through the day. I am waiting expectantly for God to show me what to do next, how to make sure we never forget Ethan's life and the things we have learned because of it.

Psalm 5 :1-3

O Lord, hear me as I pray; pay attention to my groaning. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for I pray to no one but you. Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly.

Let the Rope Come to You

Let the Rope Come to You~Pat Layton

"The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever." Isaiah 32:17 (NIV)When I was very young, my dad taught my three sisters and me how to water-ski. You might imagine the amount of patience that took! We would go out in our family boat into the middle of the lake where one of us girls would jump into the water. Then we would each take our turn around the lake as many times as we could go without falling.Once you fell, another sister was waiting to jump in and take your place. If I fell too soon, before I was ready to give my turn up, I would struggle with all of my might to grab the ski rope back and try getting up again before another sister jumped into the water to take my spot.I remember gatheri ng up all the 8-year-old strength I could muster to get to that rope back into my hands. I floundered and struggled in the water with all that gear attached to me - a life jacket that seemed the size of a small car and water skis that seemed a mile long. I would get exhausted trying to get to that rope in time not to lose my turn.One day I remember my dad calling out, "Pat, just relax, lay back on your life jacket and I will bring the rope to you!" And he did. I would rest in the water and my dad would drive the boat slowly and carefully around me until the ski rope would just float right into my hands. No struggle, no fear of missing it, no one jumping in and taking my place.After 22 years of women's ministry, I have often found myself or watched a sister in her struggle to grab something she was afraid she might loose. A ministry spot, a child, a husband, a friend.Sometimes, we feel that if we don't struggle and strive, we will lose our "turn." That someho w, what God has called us to do, have or be, will be missed or that another "sister" might jump in and take our spot. When those times come in my life, I try to remember the words of my dad, "Pat, just let the rope come to you."Maybe you can relate. Have you been struggling to make something happen in your life or to protect a position or opportunity that you are afraid you will miss if you don't strive for it?Let's listen to the words of our Abba Father, let's just relax in the moment and trust God to "bring the rope to us." If it's His best for us, He will do just that.

Partly Sunny

I receive a daily devotional through email. Here is todays. This is something that I struggle with these days, so hopefully you will benefit from it too.

"Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father. He who has ears, let him hear." Matthew 13:43 (NIV)

Last week my seven-year-old son and I were waiting for his sister to get her hair cut. As we sat in the waiting area, we had no choice but to listen to the radio that played in the background. The forecast came on and the announcer said that it was going to be partly cloudy. My son, who was playing with LEGOs® on the floor, stopped playing and looked up with an indignant look on his face. "Mom," he said, "That man said it's partly cloudy but it's not. It's partly sunny." Then he went back to playing.Oh, to see the world the way my son did in that moment. He taught me a huge lesson on perspective that day and I have b een mulling it over ever since.Do I see my days as partly sunny or partly cloudy? Do I marvel at the wonders or get caught up in the mess? Do I consciously choose to alter my "glass half empty" mentality and choose to see it as half full? Do I rejoice in what I have or focus on what's missing?Just for today, let's focus on the good things that happen, so they don't get lost in the shuffle of life. I hope that you will join me in seeking to see our days as partly sunny. Sure, a few clouds may enter our horizon, but that doesn't mean our outlook has to be altered.Partly cloudy or partly sunny? My son taught me it's all in how I look at it.