Ethan Day 2012

Ethan's birthday always sneaks up on me.  I always have great intentions of making it a very special day and doing things to serve others on his day.  This year like the last three I have found I just can't get it together for this day.  I struggle on the 8th of july because that is when we received the devistating news our baby was gone.  It still stops me cold just thinking about it.  So, staying true to the last minute planner that I am, the kids each picked out a balloon to send to Ethan.  They both drew a picture and attached it to the balloon.

 After we sent our balloons on their way, we were treated to a beautiful sunset.  God has a way of showing us the beauty amidst our pain.  This pain will never go away, but we have been blessed through it. 

Can't believe I haven't posted in so long!

I realize it has been a long time since I posted on this blog.  I guess that is kind of a good thing.  Mostly when I post on here I am feeling sad about losing Ethan or sad about not being pregnant...while I still have my moments they are not as frequent. 
I have finally been able to find peace with where I am and what my family is.  I love my kids and I am enjoying them everyday.  They make me laugh and cry, they make me happy and sad and frustrated...as most kids do I am sure.  I can't imagine missing out on so much of their growing up.  While I wish with all my heart we had Ethan with us, I wouldn't trade this time with them for anything! 
I still long for more children, but the more I talk with other moms who don't have fertility trouble, they long for more too.  I think that is just part of being a woman.  I still have the sinking feeling and inner turmoil with every "announcement" I hear of.  I still wish I could be the one for once to have an "announcement"   But, I try not to dwell on it and I just look at the two wonderful kids I have and I am reminded of how much God truly has blessed me with.  I saw this posted on a friends' facebook status and just thought I would share...

God has a perfect plan for your life. No matter what’s happened in your past, God’s plan for your good remains. Get your vision in line with God’s Word, and the best is yet to come! “For God’s gifts and His call can never be withdrawn” Romans 11:29

I am so glad that God has a plan and that He is helping me through such a trying time in life!  I can't believe that almost two years has gone by.  I am amazed at how far I have come!  Truly God has carried me through the darkest time in my life.

Being Content

I have been having a hard time with some things lately.  I love the age that Glade and Addison are at. They are so funny and most of the time so much fun.  Like all kids, we have our moments together when nap time or bed time just can't come soon enough.  So most of the time I feel content with my family just like it is.  But lately I have been having a "feeling".  I know God is trying to tell me something, but I don't think I am listening right or maybe I just don't want to truly hear what he is saying.  I know I have posted many times about wanting to have more kids and more than likely adopt.  Lately I just get a feeling that maybe God doesn't want that to happen.  I SO don't want to hear that right now.  I don't want to be done.  But I also don't want to go broke...well more broke than we already are.  Tim gets so stressed about money and the fact that we have none, to add another person to the family would just cost more.  Not to mention the cost of getting to the point of adding another member to our family... either adopting or doing more fertility stuff. 
This is one of the many times when I wish God would just sit me down with the "storybook" of my life and let skip a few chapters to see what is coming and then I could go back to this chapter and be okay with things.  Do you understand what I am saying?  How sometimes you have to read the end of the book to see the outcome and then you can read the whole thing.

Here are some scriptures I will be focusing on to help me trust that God is working and doing more than I can know.

18 But as surely as God is faithful, our message to you is not “Yes” and “No.” 19 For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was preached among you by me and Silas and Timothy, was not “Yes” and “No,” but in him it has always been “Yes.” 20 For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God. 21 Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, 22 set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
II Corinthians 1:18-22

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.
Hebrews 10:22-23

Weight Watchers

Well, I finally decided to get serious about losing weight.  So I asked for a Weight Watchers membership for my birthday.  I have been going the past two weeks and after the first week I lost 2.2 pounds.  I am excited to see the numbers going down. 

All I want for Christmas

I struggled this year to think of something that I want for Christmas.  In the past years there has always been something that I wanted.  This year I feel like I have everything I need. And then some.  My house is full of stuff, some of the stuff is precious to me but some needs to be thrown away.  I don't need anymore stuff.   What I want for Christmas is not something that can be bought at a store.  It cannot be ordered online.  I have so enjoyed seeing the JOY and excitement in the eyes of my children this year.  Glade and Addison get it.  They know who Santa is and what he does.  They are beyond excited.  Oh, I wish I could see them share that excitement with their little brother.  Oh how I would love for him to be here.  But I know he is celebrating with Jesus, what a celebration it must be...

Inspired and disappointed with myself...

First I have to say that the Selah concert was SO good.  I cried, like a baby!  Todd Smith shared his story of losing their daughter Audrey just after her birth.  He then had all of us in the audience who had lost a child to stand.  It's amazing to me how many women have lost a child that you didn't know.  I remember thinking last year how long will I be "Leah the one who's baby died."  Now, I long to have people remember my baby.  I constantly want to do things to show that Ethan was here if only inside me for a short 18 weeks.  I struggle with the fact that our loss was so much earlier in the pregnancy than most of the others I hear about.  Ethan was not full term.  We don't have pictures of a baby.  I have small memories of what his feet looked like and the shape of his head...but that's about it.   It's not that I want recognition...I want people to remember my baby, to know that he will ALWAYS be part of our family.   There are so many families who have been through the loss of a child that have done so much in honor of their child.  I think of the Smith's from Selah.  I found another blog last week and then had a friend email me the same blog today.  I am AMAZED at what they have done in their son's name.  Check it out here.   The Jacobs family has done some amazing things for others.  Reading things like this make me feel like a horrible mom to Ethan.  I have used this blog to vent MY frustration and put MY grief into words.  What have I done to honor Ethan? 
So here is my challenge to you...the few who are still reading...
Do something for someone else in honor of Ethan and make a comment to let me know what you have done.  I hope to be adding some things that I have done to honor my baby by blessing others.

Christian Works

It's that time of year again!  Tonight is the Auction for the organization where we went to counseling after losing Ethan.  You might remember we were part of their video last year.  This time of year brings back memories of a dark time in our lives.  I am so proud of how far we have come, but mostly how far I have come.  When I think back to those first days after our loss, I wasn't sure how I would be able to continue on.  But I did and I have and I know that I am a much better wife, mother and friend because of Ethan.  Lately I have been reading several blogs of other moms who have lost a baby.  It seems so easy for them to pinpoint God's blessings...and some of these mothers have some pretty awesome stories.  I sometimes get down and wish I could have a story like theirs.  I find myself wondering do I just not see it.  Am I missing something that God is calling me to do?   I am praying for God to show me a way to keep Ethan in our family and to give Ethan's life a greater purpose...one that will touch others and show the glory of God.

Anyway, I say this because one of those blogs is Angie Smith.  Wife of Todd from Selah...who will be at the auction tonight!  I am so hoping that she will be there.  I really just want to give her a hug and thank her for the ministry of her blog.  They lost a daughter several years ago and the blog is her journey.  It's called Bring the Rain.  I have been inspired and learned so much from her.

I will post again if I get to meet her!  I will take my camera just in case.  I better go get ready.  The babysitter will be here in 30 minutes!  YIKES!